Solitary Steps

I know we’re not meant to be solitary

creatures living alone.

I know we’re meant to live and laugh

and love and share ourselves.

I know we’re not made for countless,

endless, lonely days.

I know we’re meant to be amongst

within and in between.

I am moving through this time

apart from everyone.

Creating the illusion

that I am alive and doing well.

This is how it’s going to be

for me forever more.

I just can’t take the chance again

I can’t let someone in.

There’s nothing left of trust,

nothing left of hope.

Nothing left of the dreamer

who believed in everything.

I’m simply moving forward

into what, I’ve no idea.

Just steps that follow each other

that take me from here to there.

I don’t feel anything anymore

except that ever present ache.

The place where resides a giant hole

where everything fell away.

sometimes....

 

you get exactly what you need

 

 

 



Live

Live in this moment

and feel it for all that is has.

This is the culmination

of all of your effort and strength.

Stop for moments and take it all in

don't let it slip silently by.

Take breaths and laugh and and inhale it all

until it fills you from the inside.

Shine like a light, like a beacon

be the shelter from the storm.

Transcend all that has come to pass

and stand proudly on your own.

 



At the starting line...

It’s time to put this ‘self’ on hold

and try to find some balance.

It’s time to focus solely

on something else but me.

I don’t have any more broken words

or questions that need answers.

I’m never going to understand

why you did the things you did.

Now the focus is me

and the things I am about to achieve.

The hard work and the hours

are about to engage again.

I am about to dive into

the deepest end of the pool.

I am about to see

if I can truly swim.

I’m challenged right now

on so many levels.

And I have laid challenges

out in return.

Chaos is not my best state of mind

yet chaos is about to ensue.

With everything slightly beyond my control

I am going to have to stay calm.

I am going to have to rise above

and be who I want them to be.

To embody all of the characteristics

that I want to see in return.

I want to do things differently

to be stronger than I have ever been.

I want to rise above fear and insecurity

and to fly on widespread wings.

This is the challenge and this is my time

it is truly all about me.

Not what I feel and not what I need

but who I want to become.

Guardian Angels

To me, guardian angels are those mysterious creatures who knowingly,

and sometimes more importantly, unknowingly,

change the shape of our lives.
Through the simple opening of one human heart to another,

through a kindness,a word spoken,

or the reaching out of a hand.

I am blessed to have many of these amazing beings floating around in my life. The challenge for me is to have the wisdom and the strength to remember

that they are there

when I need them the most.

*For TK, EB and BR.*

 

~ ~ ~

Trying not to fall victim

to the weakness of being human.

Trying not to define myself

by the things that have happened to me.

Trying to not let the weakness

be greater than what I’ve become.

Trying to not let the setbacks

derail the movement that I must sustain.

It’s lonely on the road less travelled

where footsteps don’t cover the ground.

Where few have tread before me

where many seldom go.

I have set forth on this journey

with the whispers of angels in my ears.

Urging me forward with wishes

of strength and peace of mind.

Yet out here on this road alone

the silence is sometimes too much.

When my own voice is all that I hear

the sound can become bitter and shrill.

I begin to fall victim once again

to the words that I cannot unhear.

To the things that I cannot unsee

to the pain that just won’t go away.

I slip and fall by the roadside,

take up residence on the dusty ground.

On hands and knees, scratched and scraped,

I crawl until again I can stand.

Those days on the side of the road,

watching the rest of the world speed by.

Are the loneliest moments that exist in this life

and take all of the resolve that I have.

When I trip and fall, decidedly numb

and just wait for it all to pass.

I fear that this will be the moment

from which I cannot move on.

That this will be the time

when it is all just greater than me.

And that is when I hear the angels call my name

and I listen to the song that they sing.

 

 



The Process of Learning

Distance and separation

become clarity defined.

In the face of standing with nothing to lose

I can truly see everything.

Our life became repetition

became a soulless empty act.

I knew for so long that you didn’t love me

but couldn’t admit it to myself.

So I took the road of shutting down

and taking myself away from you.

I wasn’t going to give you anything

that you didn’t give to me.

I travelled inward as far as I could

to keep it from hurting me.

I pushed away anything and anyone

who might have seen what was going on.

I took myself to a place

 where no one was ever let in.

Ran away from everything

that might have helped me see.

I became terrified at the loss of you

because I knew you would go away.

So I guess I just left before you did

to try to keep it from happening.

I was so lost, so confused, so completely gone

I couldn’t even stand up for myself.

Mixed up and messed up and dying inside

I had no idea where to turn.

When you finally walked out the door

and took everything when you left.

I sat in a house full of empty rooms

and proceeded to die again.

For most of a year, it’s taken me

to find myself now where I am.

Like a child learning to walk and talk

I believe I am beginning again.

I stumble, I struggle, I trip and I fall

almost every day.

But something compels me to get up again

because all that is left is me.

Free to feel

Last night I finally slept

it’s been days and days on end.

Last night I finally dreamt

of something besides you.

I dreamt of beautiful faces

and bodies filled with need.

I dreamt of hearts that wanted

and mine was one of those.

I’ll never admit those words again

never say them out loud.

I’ll never let anyone into me

I just can’t lose anymore.

In the dream I was free to love wildly

without hesitation or restraint.

I was pure and raw and full of wonder

as I’ll never be again.

There was passion and fire and connection

there was touch and there was feel.

So many things that I’ve missed for long

and will never allow again.

I can’t let anyone touch me

in any way shape or form.

I can’t let them in where they would have the power

to take it all away.

Supposedly loving, without expectation

is the key to being free.

I don’t understand that so why even bother

what’s the point when you can’t expect?

Expect to be treated with respect

with decency and told the truth.

Expect that someone who claims to love you

would actually mean those words.

So in this quiet place that I hide in my heart

I will dream and be free to feel.

Allow the illusions to fill up the place

that will never be whole again.

 

As if I believed

There is something inherently lonely,

something in the sound of change.

Something scary and lost and wandering

in the first steps you take on your own.

There is wonder and excitement and freedom

as you step into the new day.

But as night as you lie down alone

there is no one there to share.

To share in what you are feeling

in the experiences you have just had.

There is no one there to be proud

or to acknowledge how far you’ve come.

So inward you go and down deep you dig

into some part of you that can carry you forward again.

You reach to your depths as you’ve been doing so long

and you fear that at some point there will be nothing left.

Lie awake for hours and hours at a time

thinking that sleep is something you’ll never do again.

Go through all of it from start to finish to start

thinking that someday some part of it will make sense.

How did it get from there to here

without my ever having a choice at what was done?

My entire life changed in an instant

and I still am just trying to survive.

Things that are happening now are just things that fell into place

not my choice just self-preserving things.

I am moving through this experience detached and feeling nothing

just focusing on trying to rebuild a life.

Maybe someday feeling will return to me again

and where I am is where I will want to be.

Until that day I am acting as if this is what I want

until it something that I actually believe.

It is real

So this is the sum of the parts of us

this is all there is.

Just some lines written down on a page

and even they are becoming scarce.

There is nothing new here that I can say

nothing I haven’t said before.

It is the simple fact that I miss you,

well, I miss who I thought you were.

Your brother called me the other day,

it’s been a long time since I’ve heard his voice.

He is just a child and he doesn’t know

that I don’t want to hear about you.

I don’t want to know what you’re doing

 or where you’re going to be.

I don’t want to ever hear your name again

but I can’t disappear on him.

It brought up so many emotions

as I have also just moved away.

Away from the life that we once shared together

that is now just some random memory.

I don’t want to think about you anymore

I want to forget everything.

I want to forget your face and the way that I loved you

but I just can’t make it go away.

I hate you for what you did to me

I hate you because you lied.

You had every chance to do the right thing

and you chose to do what you did.

That will never go away for me

and it will always be a pain that I feel.

The fact that you of all people could do that to me

it still just doesn’t seem real.