Trust

what is the measure of your worth?

do your words define you?

or are your actions the only thing

that throw light upon your soul?

today you feel it, for whatever reason

some days there simply is no reason

but today it sits in the center of your chest

and the weight takes your breath

it’s not because you are unhappy

it’s not because you are alone

it’s not due to anything that is visible

it comes from something deeper

some need… but what

I can’t dig deep enough to name it

or maybe I could but I just don’t want to

when I scratch at the surface, it stings

it makes my stomach lurch and something

at the core of me shakes

I look at the structure of my day

and I know I can “get away with it”

I know I can go to that place and shut myself down

and I could explain my absence away

but what, in that hiding, am I running to?

I go there and it never fails that upon my return

I regret it

I regret the lies that I tell myself

the lies I tell anyone else

and I regret the time that I’ve lost

while I am there, in that numbing form of oblivion

I don’t even know what I want

with the first hit, there is always this rush of emotion

and then as fast as it comes, it goes

and I float around in this sad space of numb

I cry, I scream, I dream…

but now my dreams are actually coming true

I have love and happiness

I have laughter and light and passion

I have hunger that is being fed

and need that is being met

so what is it?

has it simply become habit?

that’s something to consider

that I have created this comfort zone,

this resting place, this pause in my existence

and I don’t know how to cope without it?

the addict is entitled

the addict is selfish

the addict wants immediate gratification

the addict “wants what she wants”

and “she wants it now”

not exactly conducive to being healthy

being in a loving, growing relationship

being a human that I am proud of

so today as I sit here

staring head on at this thing on my chest

making direct eye contact and not looking away

I think about her, about my love

I think about how she makes me feel

I think about how I make her feel

I think about who and what we are together

I think about my commitment

I think about the promises I made to myself

the promises I make to her

I think about the life I am discovering with her

and the life we both want to have

I feel the weight on my chest

trying so hard to take the breath from me

I think about why I let it sit there

and why I even listen to its static hum

the steady even throbbing sound

that is sometimes deafening

to the exclusion of all other sounds

I start to cry and I realize

that if I stand up

that thing will simply fall to the floor

it may not shatter into fragments and dust

as it strikes the surface of the ground

but the loud thud that it makes

will shatter the constant hum

I realize that the only way

it can hold me down

is if I fail to stand up

one single act of defiance

both feet on the floor

I don’t even have to move

not right away

just stand, on two feet

once up, I can wait

until balance settle my stance

I can wait until the wavering

and the wobbling cease

and then I can take one step

I think about her again

in my mind she is always moving

I call her a firefly, a lightning bug

the representation of illumination and light

I read about this creature

and its symbolism refers to that

of an exceptional human being

one that shines from the inside out

it is a symbol of hope, of guidance

and of natural energy

they use their environment

to be as effective as possible

in order to gain their energy

I think about this for a long time

and I realize again this gift I have before me

this little firefly, this bright shining light

inspires me to try

she inspires me to be more

she inspires me to shine and not hide away

in the lost shadows where I have always lived

I want to shine

I want to be strong

I want to make her proud

I want to be proud as well

so today I will stand up

I will steady myself

and I will hold her hand

today I will take one step

and I will move one step away

from the weight of the thing

that falls to the floor

today I will ask her to look my way

and I will smile back at her

I will humbly ask her to hold my hand

as I take a step

I will watch her shine for me

as she lights up the darkness

I will ask for her support

as my knees shake

and I will trust her

to stand beside me

I have to do this

but

I don’t have to do it alone

Swim

she dropped the veil before me

and showed me her naked soul

she opened herself softly

and let me breathe her in

she wears the armor of a lifetime

of battles she has fought alone

unimaginable fortitude

silence her second name

she paints herself with a chiseled edge

yet in colours of softer hues

letting the eye distract the mind

from seeing too deeply in

the requisite trait of this virtue

immovable in her strength

firmly pressed against doors

opening and stepping in

she walks without hesitation

eyes and ears alert

gauging the landscape of her surroundings

before pausing to stand still

unlatching doors and turning on lights

leaving no stone unturned

dipping toes in the water

never fully submerged

last night she disrobed

standing fully in my view

walked to the water’s edge

and let the waves crash over her

she floated on its surface

on the crest of every wave

soft blonde hair darkening

as the water covered her

her body lithe and glistening

and the shimmer of midnight’s moon

like a dolphin leaping above the waves

and diving in again

slowly she surfaced from the sea

and stood tall within my gaze

she allowed me to wrap myself around her

and dry her soaking skin

she let me taste the salt

and breathe in the scent of the sea

until once again her skin became

warm to my touch

she leveled her eyes to mine

she smiled and held me close

she let me dress her slowly

before the sun rose again

~ a gift for my muse~

 

 

Violate ~ sanctifying faith

 Warning ~ "love and emotion come in all flavors, this ain't exactly "Vanilla"

to violate~

by definition an unsavory act

to treat something sacred

with irreverence, disrespect

to come into, to overtake

by the strength of a solid hand

against one’s will, against one’s choice

not to be deterred

 

but by candlelight in this darkened room

there is another side to see

where surrender and submission

invite you into me

still bound by your hand and bent to your will

I am at your command

but released at a simple word

like picking an apple from a tree

slow and measured the waves begin

rocking back and forth

mesmerizing, hypnotizing

lost in the motion’s force

listening to words of direction

navigating this course

following them to the letter

knowing the end result

the pace quickens to fevered pitch

words not for polite company

reaching deep, to the center

the connection of all things

pushed by the words, pulled by restraints

filled completely whole

almost beyond the point of breathing

ecstatic, overwhelmed

tears streaming, body writhing

explosions come in waves

over and over convulse and contract

the flood simply overtakes

the touch of a cheek, the graze of lips

smiles and words of praise

bound again in comfort’s grip

and tenderly laid to rest

 

this violation as so defined

this desecration so named

is actually an act of consecration

sanctifying faith

 

 

~for my muse~

 

Excerpts 6

The Excerpts series are poems that I write directly from dreams. I feel that if I can remember them and the dialogue within them, there is a reason for that and so I write them here.

This story , subtitled 'Listen To A Poet's Voice' is about meeting one of my very favorite poets, Natasha Head. She has a unique and powerful voice that I find extremely inspiring. Check her out at http://www.tashtoo.com/ or on Twitter @tashtoo

she sat in an overstuffed velvet chair

with notebooks spread across her lap.

pens and pencils, artist’s tools

were strewn all over the floor.

I walked into the room and sat down

on the floor in front of her.

she said, “which one is your favorite?”

I answered and she began to read.

I closed my eyes at the sound of her voice

the way it wrapped around the words.

she has lived these words and can speak them

as if they come to life with her breath.

telling tales of lives that are lived out loud

even when only whispers are heard.

she turned the pages with the sound

of a flutter of butterfly wings.

graceful and soft almost a hush

mesmerizing delicacy.

she treated the words like treasures

and held them close to heart.

pacing herself only by

the way I reacted to them.

with a hunger I listened and hung on the words

as she let them fall from her lips.

she said, “I don’t do this for everyone…

only those who can hear what I say.”

hours passed, perhaps even days

I was lost in the stories she told.

reading from the depth of her very soul

the magic just drew me in.

the time came to read the final page

in earnest she searched for the one.

the perfect ending to this moment

the words that would complete the tale.

at the turn of the page there were colors

brighter than any I’d seen.

hues that resembled a rainbow

jumping off of the page.

hit my eyes with almost a sting

and she looked at me with a wink.

we both laughed out loud for a moment

as she tore that page in two.

handed one half to me and kept one for herself

“into your pocket it goes…”

“those aren’t the ones we read out loud,

we keep them close to our hearts”.

those were the words that followed her

as she rose and left the room.