Trust

what is the measure of your worth?

do your words define you?

or are your actions the only thing

that throw light upon your soul?

today you feel it, for whatever reason

some days there simply is no reason

but today it sits in the center of your chest

and the weight takes your breath

it’s not because you are unhappy

it’s not because you are alone

it’s not due to anything that is visible

it comes from something deeper

some need… but what

I can’t dig deep enough to name it

or maybe I could but I just don’t want to

when I scratch at the surface, it stings

it makes my stomach lurch and something

at the core of me shakes

I look at the structure of my day

and I know I can “get away with it”

I know I can go to that place and shut myself down

and I could explain my absence away

but what, in that hiding, am I running to?

I go there and it never fails that upon my return

I regret it

I regret the lies that I tell myself

the lies I tell anyone else

and I regret the time that I’ve lost

while I am there, in that numbing form of oblivion

I don’t even know what I want

with the first hit, there is always this rush of emotion

and then as fast as it comes, it goes

and I float around in this sad space of numb

I cry, I scream, I dream…

but now my dreams are actually coming true

I have love and happiness

I have laughter and light and passion

I have hunger that is being fed

and need that is being met

so what is it?

has it simply become habit?

that’s something to consider

that I have created this comfort zone,

this resting place, this pause in my existence

and I don’t know how to cope without it?

the addict is entitled

the addict is selfish

the addict wants immediate gratification

the addict “wants what she wants”

and “she wants it now”

not exactly conducive to being healthy

being in a loving, growing relationship

being a human that I am proud of

so today as I sit here

staring head on at this thing on my chest

making direct eye contact and not looking away

I think about her, about my love

I think about how she makes me feel

I think about how I make her feel

I think about who and what we are together

I think about my commitment

I think about the promises I made to myself

the promises I make to her

I think about the life I am discovering with her

and the life we both want to have

I feel the weight on my chest

trying so hard to take the breath from me

I think about why I let it sit there

and why I even listen to its static hum

the steady even throbbing sound

that is sometimes deafening

to the exclusion of all other sounds

I start to cry and I realize

that if I stand up

that thing will simply fall to the floor

it may not shatter into fragments and dust

as it strikes the surface of the ground

but the loud thud that it makes

will shatter the constant hum

I realize that the only way

it can hold me down

is if I fail to stand up

one single act of defiance

both feet on the floor

I don’t even have to move

not right away

just stand, on two feet

once up, I can wait

until balance settle my stance

I can wait until the wavering

and the wobbling cease

and then I can take one step

I think about her again

in my mind she is always moving

I call her a firefly, a lightning bug

the representation of illumination and light

I read about this creature

and its symbolism refers to that

of an exceptional human being

one that shines from the inside out

it is a symbol of hope, of guidance

and of natural energy

they use their environment

to be as effective as possible

in order to gain their energy

I think about this for a long time

and I realize again this gift I have before me

this little firefly, this bright shining light

inspires me to try

she inspires me to be more

she inspires me to shine and not hide away

in the lost shadows where I have always lived

I want to shine

I want to be strong

I want to make her proud

I want to be proud as well

so today I will stand up

I will steady myself

and I will hold her hand

today I will take one step

and I will move one step away

from the weight of the thing

that falls to the floor

today I will ask her to look my way

and I will smile back at her

I will humbly ask her to hold my hand

as I take a step

I will watch her shine for me

as she lights up the darkness

I will ask for her support

as my knees shake

and I will trust her

to stand beside me

I have to do this

but

I don’t have to do it alone