Seeking Normal

last night I was afraid of the dark

of the shadows across the hall

I lay in bed with covers pulled high

and waited for them to leave

I haven’t felt this in quite some time

but know what it all means

that I feel a sense of loneliness

that wants to consume me whole

I heard sounds that weren’t there

clicks and clacks in the night

and I couldn’t find the comfort

that usually rocks me to sleep

short and restless bouts

mixed with time spent too awake

and the night stretched on and on

until the final dream came

this one was chaotic

it was filled with panic and angst

with things that wouldn’t fit into boxes

and time kept slipping away

bad dreams and fear

tales that I know all too well

I’m trying hard to cling to things

that keep me tethered to the ground

nothing is normal anymore

nothing feels the same

time is stretching out endlessly

to days that never come

calendars flip of their own accord

and there is nothing to hold on to

the world is turning upside down

and the clock just ticks and ticks

I need some sort of resolution

something familiar to ground me again

out of sorts and feeling alone

and I’m afraid of the dark again

so I wake up today and make my bed

I can only control myself

my actions and my reactions

and everything else will be

one foot in front of the other

one step, one day at a time

and I pray for the strength to see

and maybe I’ll sleep with the light on tonight

Increments - 30 days

measured moment by moment

but praised by increments of time

I wonder about the rigidity

because it doesn’t make sense to me

slogans and phrases repeated

almost a mantra of shame

the price of admission, surrender

as if that erases the pain

I sit here now in this moment

the river still flowing past

nothing remains, the world moves by

letting the silence seep in

feeling every feeling imaginable

and still feeling nothing at all

this milestone, solitary

feeling like anything else

this is mine, this is for me

I know and I understand

I thought I would find some connection

a different kind of peace

30, 60, 90 days

will it ever feel different than this

just as I conquer everything

the forward steps never cease

the river flows in ripples

nothing disrupts its path

it may change its course or the landscape

but it will find a way

I feel like the river today

as 30 days trickle by

the tiniest splash, imperceptible sound

and the water is flowing again

The Demons of The Night

some days it is somewhat gentle

in announcing its presence

some days it is more like an assault

a smack in the face, punch in the gut

I don’t sleep well ~ never have

but on nights such as these

it’s akin to being under siege

from some outside entity

the enemy that lies in wait

patiently anticipating the moment he will strike

when defenses are down

eyes closed, all tucked in

when slumber’s peaceful arms

wrap themselves around me

when I let go clenched teeth and fists

and succumb to her peace

that’s when the demon

under cloak of darkness

unleashes his wrath

and leads his minions into my room

it’s a full body assault

awakening with a force

that tears me from the safety

and the comfort of my dreams

it is a bright light

a spotlight in my eyes

exposing everything

I’ve safely tucked away

and now I sit, awake

with everything laid bare

naked and covered in tears

I am alone ~

the demons have disappeared

their evil has been done

in the wake of the assault

I weep ~