The Demons of The Night

some days it is somewhat gentle

in announcing its presence

some days it is more like an assault

a smack in the face, punch in the gut

I don’t sleep well ~ never have

but on nights such as these

it’s akin to being under siege

from some outside entity

the enemy that lies in wait

patiently anticipating the moment he will strike

when defenses are down

eyes closed, all tucked in

when slumber’s peaceful arms

wrap themselves around me

when I let go clenched teeth and fists

and succumb to her peace

that’s when the demon

under cloak of darkness

unleashes his wrath

and leads his minions into my room

it’s a full body assault

awakening with a force

that tears me from the safety

and the comfort of my dreams

it is a bright light

a spotlight in my eyes

exposing everything

I’ve safely tucked away

and now I sit, awake

with everything laid bare

naked and covered in tears

I am alone ~

the demons have disappeared

their evil has been done

in the wake of the assault

I weep ~

The Addict's Game

flashing past me at the speed of sound

lights flicker, pulse pumping veins.

breath quick, heart beats, mind spins

I can’t quite make sense of anything.

it’s been like this for days

something spinning.

whirling, twirling,

I cannot pin it down.

I feel like I am high

 and drifting wildly.

fearful I will not

find my way back down.

nervous edges might be the cause

fear of what’s to come.

knowing that change

in necessary again.

but my focus has shifted wickedly

I’m unsettled deep within.

and maybe that’s not the best time

to move forward again.

I feel like I’m running away from something

instead of running to.

and the recklessness of that

 is giving me fits.

uncontrolled terror

is now keeping me awake.

the addict fiendishly coveting

something warm.

something that seeps into the blood

and scares away all of the demons.

something transparent that creates

the illusion of strength.

something that distracts me from the ghosts

but also steals my ability to think.

with focus unattainable

that now becomes the course.

and the place where I must

engage my every thought.

this is the circle that I spin

with precision and expertise.

exchange one for the other

when it all becomes too much.

 

 

Excerpts 5

Excerpts are poems that I write directly from dreams, If I can remember them clearly enough to write them, I think there is a significant message in them for me. Usually, it's in the dialogue and generally very few words. This one was pretty clear to me.

I find my place in line

behind a woman and her two sons.

The throng of people stretched out before me

in a row defined by two red metal bars.

The tension in the air is palpable

anxiousness, excitement grows.

For some, it’s fear and hesitation

and distractions are needed for them.

The line moves slowly forward

we take only a few steps at a time.

Drawing imminently nearer

to the gate and that 48” sign.

The boys in front of me are arguing

pushing each other back and forth.

The taller one telling the smaller one

you’re not big enough for this!

You can see the trepidation

the dismay on his face.

The mother hushes the two of them again

and tells them to stand up straight.

As we move forward again I just listen

caught up in the many ways people pass the time.

Telling stories, laughing, joking

some just staring into space.

The nervous ones you can pick out of the crowd

they usually look a bit sick.

Or they’re having arguments or tense conversation

with the person standing next to them.

I, again, am just waiting

here in my place in this line.

Another step forward and the moment nears

the anticipation builds.

Soon we are at the platform

and the boys in front of me scream!

The taller one was right and the smaller one

will have to wait another year.

His mother takes his hand

and leads him down the stairs.

The other boy jumps into the front seat

and I step in next to him.

The safety latch is lowered

low and snug across our laps.

I wrap my hands around it

ready to hold on tight.

The boy looks over at me

at my hands clutched around that bar.

He says, “No, you have to raise your arms,

like this, up in the air!”

I’m not sure about this as the car begins to move

and we start the climb up the first hill.

Click, click, click, click

as the climb seems to have slowed time.

I feel the fear rising and my stomach

rises up into my chest.

A few more clicks and we’ll be at the top

ready to descend.

As we reach the top the car stops

and begins to teeter back and forth.

Then with a slight tip forward it feels

as if the ground has fallen away.

The feeling of being weightless

of falling freely through the air.

Fills me with a feeling of terror

and I hold again to that rail.

The boy is screaming, hands in the air

and he looks over at me and says.

“Don’t be afraid, you won’t fall

just LET GO!”

As we fall at a breakneck speed

I take my hands off the rail.

With a noise I’ve never made before

I raise my hands in the air and scream.