Of your mother...To a daughter

she loves you with an intensity

that she does not know how to express

she only wanted a life for you

that she never had for herself

she overprotected and she projected

all of her wants and needs

she did not know or understand

that she was mourning what she never had

she wanted you to shine so bright

the beauty of you makes her weak

she wanted to see you succeed

in ways that she never did

if you heard her tell the story of you

you’d be stunned at the depth of her words

or watched the tears as they roll down her face

as she judges her own mistakes

she watches you now from a distance

even when you are in the same room

wishing she knew how to bridge the gap

between where the two of you stand

there has been so much hurt, so much pain

and both of you know how it feels

to miss someone so much that is feels as if

part of you has been taken away

a mother, a daughter, love and hate

an intensity no one else understands

with soaring highs and searing lows

life rarely exists in between

in the breath of one single heartbeat

in the adult, mother still sees her child

and through the daughter’s eyes

mother will always remain in her role

what both of them wish and long for

will elude them until they can see

that they are both simply and perfectly

beautiful human beings

Stride ~ the idioms

~to hit one's stride~

each day with intent

forging a path to somewhere

preparing and plotting a course

then literally setting out on foot

stretch and warm the muscles

tighten the strings on my shoes

the lean slightly forward

and begin with the first step

the breeze against my face

and the rhythmic sound of my feet

is becoming a soundtrack of motion

the only thing accompanying me

as muscles start to burn

and breath strains in my lungs

I focus all of my thoughts

and stride and breath become one

standing tall, shoulders back

deep and full inhale

exhale hard, making room

for new air to fill my lungs

speed is not of any note

as I face a steep incline

distance is the measure

as I lean into the hill

at the precipice a sharp inhale

the path before me levels out

my steps propel me forward

and I find a steady stride

~to take it in stride~

practice daily, center yourself

 with intent and an earnest plan

read and pray and focus

and then open your eyes to see

train your body, train your mind

feed your spirit and your soul

relish the ache that you feel in both

as the dormant parts of you wake

open your eyes with possibility

this is the first time this moment has ever been

before the weight of the world descends

revel in the simple joys

sunrise, singing birds, the quiet of your mind

the simplicity of your soul

the moments before the world awakes

there is plenty of time each day

to feel what life will present

to find the appropriate reactions

and make the required change

but in the first moments of morning

in the first breaths you breathe

steel yourself with the strength

and the take the day in stride

Seeking Normal

last night I was afraid of the dark

of the shadows across the hall

I lay in bed with covers pulled high

and waited for them to leave

I haven’t felt this in quite some time

but know what it all means

that I feel a sense of loneliness

that wants to consume me whole

I heard sounds that weren’t there

clicks and clacks in the night

and I couldn’t find the comfort

that usually rocks me to sleep

short and restless bouts

mixed with time spent too awake

and the night stretched on and on

until the final dream came

this one was chaotic

it was filled with panic and angst

with things that wouldn’t fit into boxes

and time kept slipping away

bad dreams and fear

tales that I know all too well

I’m trying hard to cling to things

that keep me tethered to the ground

nothing is normal anymore

nothing feels the same

time is stretching out endlessly

to days that never come

calendars flip of their own accord

and there is nothing to hold on to

the world is turning upside down

and the clock just ticks and ticks

I need some sort of resolution

something familiar to ground me again

out of sorts and feeling alone

and I’m afraid of the dark again

so I wake up today and make my bed

I can only control myself

my actions and my reactions

and everything else will be

one foot in front of the other

one step, one day at a time

and I pray for the strength to see

and maybe I’ll sleep with the light on tonight

Noise

it’s interesting to notice

the difference in how things sound

the way words bounce off walls

the way they ring in your ears

I know the way addiction sounds

I’ve written line after line 

I’ve assembled strings of words

describing how it feels to be bound  

the sound can be almost deafening

and some days it all goes black

the edges sharp and jagged

scraping against the skin

in the rivulets of pain

that flow from open wounds

streaming sanguine rivers

that simply trickle away

silence screams louder

than any sound ever could

through pacing and internal combustion

and skin that doesn’t fit

I’ve run so far and so fast

to keep the sounds at bay

I’ve run so long that I’ve forgotten

what the voices need to say

yesterday the words

came in short and fast clips

broken sentences abbreviated

language, a foreign thing

tears fueled by anger

by frustration, pain, angst

and the orchestra of cacophony

sang a song I know so well

the overwhelming feeling

of being sick of myself

ran like a loop through my mind

for the entire length of the day

short reprieves in love

and the kindness of strangers, now friends

softened the edges just enough

so the clock continued to move

digging deep into the muck

to climb up out of the mire

begging into the vast unknown

that I see what I need to see

with eyes swollen and burning

with a heart bleeding out on the floor

my knees becoming calloused

from humbling myself here

I am fighting for my life, it seems

a war I cannot lose

with an urgency the battles rage

my will screams in pain

with every victory, white flags wave

in the quiet aftermath

and I revel in the awe of the silence

and how different the calm sounds

Balance - A Tightrope Walk

the hallmark of days such as this

lined up on two different planes

the idea of a parallel universe

never more evident than this

does one exist before the other

or are they born at the same time

one came in like breathing

the other came with intent

in learning to be patient and listen

and to give emotions names

awareness is like a living thing

and also inhabits this space

in the midst of all of this emptiness

I can feel the crowd in my room

it is feeling suddenly uncomfortable

as if there is not enough space

feeling the need to bolt

feeling the need to break

listening into the emptiness

naming those gathering here

all of the familiar guests

loneliness, frustration and fear

everything feels the same

yet the shift has announced itself

upon arrival it shakes the room

knocking everything to the floor

rattling foundations, still not secure

wreaking havoc in this place

searching for the structural pieces

that connect to form a frame

the solidity rooted in the building

the unshakeable nature of being

there is a buzzing sound this morning

a chainsaw against a tree

but the birds are still taking twigs to the nest

I realize they can’t hear a thing

from the parallel plane that exists within

I can see through to the other side

I sit and watch in awe

as the world simply continues to move

it’s kind of like walking a tightrope

inhabiting two places at once

but balance can be a fleeting thing

as it takes so much focus to maintain

so inevitably there will come a point

where I will tip to either side

and then will come the answer to which came first

what could be or what has always been

You Are My Sunshine

“you are my sunshine…”

the words of that simple tune

turn over and over in my mind

a song that has been sung countless times

but still in my ears it feels new

the magical feeling washing over me

has me seeing life for the first time

through the eyes of a child, those wiser now

but this innocence is filled with delight

I vacillate between these emotions

this roller coaster ride

between this ache in my heart from missing you

and the joy that I have you to miss

I spend so much time lately

feeling simply stunned and amazed

that this unbelievable gift I’ve been given

is truly mine to hold

I notice how often my hands shake

and the flutter within my heart

and the strength that fills my soul

when I hold you in my arms

I wake up early each morning

and spend time in grateful thought

thankful for the simple moments

that I get to spend with you

life is filled with challenges

with hills and mountains to climb

insurmountable though it may seem at times

I feel you by my side

today you are thousands of miles away

but I know the touch of your hand

I know the sound of your voice

as it whispers in my ear

so this morning in quiet reflection

I am celebrating you

the love of my life, my beautiful girl

I am so in love with you

The Path

it’s not an easy thing to do

to simply sit in the silence

to let feelings of discomfort

hang on you like a veil

it’s challenging at best

to be quiet in those moments

and listen with an open heart

to any answer that comes

when the feelings start to surface

and the churning within begins

frantic, frenetic, kinetic

the fork in the road is here

down one path is the inevitable

journey into crazy

in patterns, fixations and habits

the road that has no end

obsessive, compulsive, addictive

actions that never resolve

the record continues to spin

but the song remains the same

the other path that awaits

is the road typically less taken

it’s bumpy with potholes and roadblocks

and hard to navigate

measured steps are required

patience and moving slow

open eyes and listening

to maneuver this terrain

it takes time to travel this path

it is not familiar ground

in trying to rush to the end

you will surely slip and fall

but I believe there is something

et the end of this winding road

something worth discovering

the proverbial row to hoe