The Equation That Did Not Add Up

one would have thought that 1 + 1

would have had more value as 2.

as the single and solitary nature of 1

was multiplied by itself.

the problem was that I divided myself

becoming a fraction of who I was.

to fill the voids and the places in you

that will probably never be whole.

by nature the act of taking

makes less of what it takes.

leaving less than the original sum

a negative number marked in red.

I thought by adding to the fragments of you

the halves, the quarters, and thirds.

that I could calculate an equation

that would result in the numbers adding up.

but sitting with paper and pencil

my eraser worn down to a nub.

I am scratching out numbers +, -, divide

but the math is never quite right.

%’s and decimals, fractions, fragments

the quotient fails to become a whole.

1 + 1 = 2, but 1 x 1 is still 1.

so 2 – 1 again became

simply 1 and 1.

1 more whole than the other

1 always seeking another 1. 

 

 

 

sparkle fades

awakening from afternoon dreams

sweaty, shaken, rattled.

it’s those same dreams I always have

the ones that remind me of home,

the funny thing now is I am home

and they seemed even more real this time.

the chasing, the taunting, the shadowed eyes

and me running, running away.

 I miss you today, my distant one

I know you have gone for good.

gone from the space that you filled in my heart

gone with the safety you brought.

I feel your distance painfully

I feel all the mistakes that I made.

on afternoons such as this, in moments like these

I just want to hear your voice.

I felt safe when I left my words in your ears

when I left on them pages you read.

I believed that you cradled them in the crook of your arm

where they could safely fall asleep.

I miss you with a tender, bittersweet sting

that pierces that empty hole.

in my heart, where you touched me so softly

and then you went away.

with sweetness I think of you now

I do hope your smile shines.

you made me feel like I could

and I did for a while through your eyes.

you always sparkled in mine

perhaps just a little too bright.

so that now that you’re gone, in this darkness

the contrast is just too profound.

 

 

 

 

By Candlelight

how many years ago

did you walk away from me?

without a word

without a single trace.

of where you were going

and what you were looking for.

and left me standing here

without answers holding the blame.

how many years ago did you break my heart

letting me believe that I’d caused it all?

with that book in your hand

 the alchemist’s tale my only clue.

how many nights did I cry

with your name on my lips.

screaming in vain for answers

that never came.

how many tears fell upon the pages of

words written over and over and over again.

question marks the only punctuation

that could express the meaning of those words.

how many lifetimes

have you and I lived since then.

you were just a boy when we met

and now you stand here, a man.

I have lived and died

a thousand times since those days.

and once again

we are sitting here face to face.

sharing with you now

the tale of the life that is currently mine.

you craft questions and listen

with a heart that truly knows.

who I am and all that I am made of

reverently taking in each and every word.

we turn the pages of the past

that we have shared.

and read out loud the chapters

that we each lived alone.

we walk in steps that keep perfect pace

and we match each other’s stride.

like lovers who have

been together longer than they’ve been alone.

in the darkness as the candles burn

the stories unfold from you.

of that time of that place

and it finally comes from your point of view.

the reasons I never fully understood

that I had been the reason you went away.

but now I understand the road you were running down

and how you have found yourself on that road again.

my friend I sit across from you now

in the glow of the candle’s light.

and you look like a dream

that I wished for long ago.

I see the years fly by as the pages

go fluttering past us.

and all those years

bring us right back together again.

 

 

 

 

a visual journey

 

 

 

the beginning of the journey

often seems futile.

absence of color

a dusty film covering the road.

 

 

 

 

black and white butterfly wings

reflecting nothing at all.

broken out of the cocoon

too soon for those wings to fly.

 

 

 

 

past leaves spilled into rivers

flowing away from here.

the color begins to blur

and blend into one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

passing fields of tiny budded stems

beginning to take bloom.

small bursts of brightness

timidly showing their face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

finding yourself in a place

of quiet resolve.

comfort found

and a place to come to rest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



forward resolution

 

 

this feels like as good a day as any

to look up into the sky at the morning sun.

to feel its warmth fall across my face

and see things in an entirely different way.

today is a time for making choices internally

leaving familiar words scattered on the floor.

walking over them without leaving scars on my feet

and not looking back to see the mess they’ve made.

I think I should water the ground today, nourish something deep

let the growth and the healing slowly begin.

in the light of the sun it is all out there and exposed

nowhere to hide, no dark corners to keep out the shine.

breathing in and walking in unmeasured steps

up hills that don’t really leave room for taking it slow.

it’s taken long enough, I think, to get out of this hole

it’s time to lean into the incline and forge ahead.

so this is last page of a tale

that was riddled with lines I cannot untangle.

with language and action

in which I should have never engaged.

mistakes that I keep making over and over

misinterpreting what is for what I want to hear.

so again I lean into the curve

and let it press against me.

use all of the strength that I have

to remain standing still.

once the pressure becomes aligned

and my balance holds.

with a forward motion

I have to move away from here.

 

 

 

 

 

It's time...

 

 

it’s time for your name to stop running

in circles around in my mind.

I’ve said it so many times

it has wrapped itself around my tongue.

it causes me to stutter,

to trip on phrases and words.

so that is seems like I keep saying the same thing

over and over again.

it’s time for me to stop hearing

that story in my head.

the one where you cried over that tiny box

the one that made me see red.

that box sits across the room from me where

it’s been staring at me for weeks.

with the note beside it that says, ‘you matter’

it was all I wanted to say.

but since your name can no longer pass my lips

it’s just a memory I will keep.

one that will remind me

of all the mistakes I made.

it reminds me that my heart still beats

but must be kept under lock and key.

it does not possess the skills to be out there alone

it always loses its way.

it’s time that I stop remembering

that soft sound in your voice.

almost like a whisper, a knowing

that made me believe that you heard.

it’s time that I stop wondering

about what was really true.

we each have our own stories

and they don’t end the same way.

it’s time that I stop hearing

the things you are saying now.

while you have to say what you need to say

it just seems to break my heart.

you’ve made it very clear

that this never should have been.

I’m inclined now to agree with you

I’m sick of feeling like this.

still not understanding

why I thought a different ending would be.

my heart feels like it's been broken

and it is time to let this go.

 

7/5/13