Opening Doors

Life is a terribly interesting creature

like a woman filled with intricacies unknown.

Dazzled by her daily I lose my place

forgetting where I am supposed to be.

Of late I have been taken with desire

with want with need, an ache that brings a smile.

But life, like a mother slapped my hand

and told me not to get too lost in it.

She shook me by the shoulders

she said, “caution keeps you safe.”

I answered her with,

‘caution breeds contempt”.

But life she sent me twist and turns

and bumps upon the road.

She had to play her hand

to keep her place upon the throne.

I’ll listen to her for now

as I have no choice.

I can eagerly run

but what good would that do.

I could keep the pace and wear the smile

and keep my tongue in my mouth.

But I did that for years

and it effectively broke me in two.

Fractured, still, in places

I tend to react with force.

With predisposed judgment

of what may come.

It’s a learned behavior

a coping mechanism.

Though I’m starting to feel

a bit like Pavlov’s dog.

Taken to reacting to cues

that either give or deny.

Responding to pleasure

only when from the outside.

I want to learn to feel the joy

in feeling awake and alive.

I want to be free to live it

in the entirety of what it is.

I want to learn how

not to question, to doubt.

And to safely live

in the wake of both of those things.

I wanted to want her madly

and nothing in that has changed.

But have I lost the chance in the

caution I could not throw to the wind.

If I was meant to live this

not just feel it for a time.

She will see me through

the veil of the things that I fight.

If she was meant to feel me

and all that I have to give.

Then the door is unlocked

and she is welcome to come in~