Life is a terribly interesting creature
like a woman filled with intricacies unknown.
Dazzled by her daily I lose my place
forgetting where I am supposed to be.
Of late I have been taken with desire
with want with need, an ache that brings a smile.
But life, like a mother slapped my hand
and told me not to get too lost in it.
She shook me by the shoulders
she said, “caution keeps you safe.”
I answered her with,
‘caution breeds contempt”.
But life she sent me twist and turns
and bumps upon the road.
She had to play her hand
to keep her place upon the throne.
I’ll listen to her for now
as I have no choice.
I can eagerly run
but what good would that do.
I could keep the pace and wear the smile
and keep my tongue in my mouth.
But I did that for years
and it effectively broke me in two.
Fractured, still, in places
I tend to react with force.
With predisposed judgment
of what may come.
It’s a learned behavior
a coping mechanism.
Though I’m starting to feel
a bit like Pavlov’s dog.
Taken to reacting to cues
that either give or deny.
Responding to pleasure
only when from the outside.
I want to learn to feel the joy
in feeling awake and alive.
I want to be free to live it
in the entirety of what it is.
I want to learn how
not to question, to doubt.
And to safely live
in the wake of both of those things.
I wanted to want her madly
and nothing in that has changed.
But have I lost the chance in the
caution I could not throw to the wind.
If I was meant to live this
not just feel it for a time.
She will see me through
the veil of the things that I fight.
If she was meant to feel me
and all that I have to give.
Then the door is unlocked
and she is welcome to come in~