Words Can Heal

If you have read anything on this blog, you already know why I write. I write because I have to. Addiction, cutting, and as this poem will reveal, more than one suicide attempt are stories that now define who I have become. I am still here for a reason and I feel that reason is to share the experiences that I have been through and the emotions that went along with them.

 

This particular story, I have not written about before but in honor of National Suicide Prevention Week, I thought it was time. This is just my story and I am by no means claiming to have all the answers. I am just sharing my experience and that I am glad I am still here. That I have found that in speaking my truth, that there are ears that will hear me.

 

Never stop speaking your truth.

https://soundcloud.com/andreathepoet/words-can-heal

 

 

I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday

but in linear time it’s been close to 15 years.

that night was filled with wanton desperation

a loss of hope, just begging for the pain to end.

there was a fifth of bourbon a bottle of pills

and the chemicals that filled my veins.

there was blood and there was a knife

there was nothing left to save.

 

at 105 lbs. I was walking death

skin hanging off bones.

I was hollow and empty and aching

and days passed endlessly without sleep.

I rambled and scrambled for something to say

anything that would string words end to end.

it was gibberish as I read it back to myself

how could anyone else possibly understand.

I drove for miles to nowhere

in circles, repeating, just to feel myself move.

the stagnant air that surrounded me

was choking me like a fist around my throat.

it was desperate and dangerous

the habits that I kept.

the situations, and surroundings,

nothing about me was safe.

I remember the night

 I lay face down on the floor

a gun pointed

at my head.

fear not, though the dreams

still haunt me now.

I didn’t change the path

or the road I was on.

tearing myself to pieces

from the inside.

wishing ‘an accident’

would make it stop.

 

back to that night

and the pills and the liquor.

back to the prayers

that I made into the dark.

‘if I wake up tomorrow

there has to be a reason

I won’t question again

I will simply live’

for 13 years and change

I kept my promise.

and then one day

it got very dark again.

I cut into the skin

seeking a lifeline.

I bled so hard

that I shouldn’t be here.

 I got on my knees and prayed again

not for a sign this time.

I prayed that I could surrender

and stop trying to fight to win.

 

I woke up a year and a half ago

and put both feet on the floor.

I’ve been walking slowly since then

and sometimes I just have to stop.

simply breathe and listen

to myself and feel the pain.

it never completely goes away

but I’ve learned to call it by name.

I’ve learned that there are words

that will ease the aching.

that there are sounds that will

comfort and heal.

I’ve learned that I know how to make them

that my voice is a powerful tool.

I can speak languages of emotion

that I don’t always know how to feel.

I have learned when I speak the truth

someone always hears.

 

each day when I wake up

I never quite know.

if I will have to fight for my life

or if I can just breathe.

but I know that I can speak

the name of my pain.

I have learned

that words can heal.

 

 

 

 

 

 



Violet, Slate Blue and Red

Sometimes words travel through me that I cannot claim ownership of. They are inspired by people or stories that touch me and they write themselves. I always give them to the people who inspire them as gifts. I consider those people gifts in my life as well for touching me, teaching me, and moving me in a way that causes words to come from within that never would have come on their own.

This post was inspired by a post called 'A Few Thoughts' on a blog called Emma's Hope Book. Here is the link to the post. http://emmashopebook.com/2013/08/12/a-few-thoughts/

I follow an Autism activist on twitter, @leah_kelley and she lead me to this post and many other wonderful blogs which are so enlightening and eye opening that I could go on here for days....

The point of this post however is to celebrate Emma and her Mom, Ariane and this wonderful story.

 

VIOLET, SLATE BLUE, AND RED

 

why would her laughter

sound any different than theirs?

why would her smile

do anything but fill your heart?

she feels and thinks and dreams and sings

though maybe not just like you

but my voice doesn’t sound like yours either

is my song any less beautiful?

there is hope in her smile to celebrate

simply because it is

and victories that are hard fought and won

pave the steps on this road

there are moments when there are no words to describe

the feelings that take hold

when the unimaginable happens

the things that cannot be explained

there is magic in a word

in a thought, in a look

lifetimes are lived

on days like this

there is healing that comes

in the simplest way

why not just celebrate

moments like these

vivid pictures, experiences

that added up are the pieces of a life

a life lived with wonder and amazement

with eyes open wide

not questioning the how or the why

but standing in awe of what is

a reverence to hope

and thankful for the gift

this isn’t a place for wallowing

for creating pictures dark and grey

it’s a place for painting rainbows

of violet, slate blue, and red

 

 

A Walk By The Sea

Over in the Twitter world, I have encountered some of the most wonderful creative souls! People who just want to share words and images and create poetry~

 

 

As you know, I have such a love affair with the ocean and I have discovered the lovely @Heidi_Ayala. Heidi shares pictures of her morning walks on the beach and each day I can't wait to open my computer and join her on that walk. she graciously allows me the privilege of expressing my reactions to her photos through poetry.

 

Here is a collection of a few of those images and words and one piece that we wrote together in a little game I like to call #poetrytag

 

Please check out Heidi on Twitter or her blog at

  flightsofamagicalbird.wordpress.com

 

 

 

let us take to the air

arms spread wide

and glide upon

the morning breeze

softly, serenely

and sing a morning song

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

with feathers sharpened

for the assault on the morning sky

I gather all my strength

and from here where I stand

burst forth

 

 



 

 

 

 

she drenches the world

in her lustrous glow

shining her light

on everything over

which she presides

her world

reflects her

 

 

 

 

 

a lone traveler

in this vast expanse

of radiant blue

the world is mine to discover

my wings spread wide

I leap!

 

 

 

 

a sea of broken shells

washed ashore

each one tells a story

of a moment

a place in time

in shapes and grooves

lie the tales





 

 

H:

 

Sliding in and out of invisibility

one day…

I will be touched 

by something more than need

and be seen

 

A:

 

 

on this shore

I will wait

for you to come

to me

 

 

 

H:

 

echo my longing

Unfolding endlessly

hungry reminders

of your tender touch

stirring the tides

within me

 

A:

 

waves dance

and crash upon the shore

nothing comes close

to the force

with which

we collide

water spray

salty taste

feel

 

 

 

Thank you Heidi~

I love taking walks on the beach with you~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

Moments Like These

awaken on my own

the alarm bell yet to ring.

after a night of nearly

successful attempts to rest my soul.

morning sounds are everywhere

as I open the window.

and listen to the birds

greeting this new day.

I love this time of being

simple and silent.

before the world is allowed

to corrupt peace with whatever it brings.

thoughts still my own

not pulled in any direction.

other than whichever one

they would like to feel.

turn off the a/c

let the cool air fill the room.

the humidity

not yet part of the scene.

the sun has not fully risen

taken her place in the sky.

the smoky grey colors

much more pleasing to me.

dreams are born

on mornings such as this.

or perhaps just a lingering

pull from last night’s sleep.

either way

this time is mine to covet.

like a fiend, I do

and with no apologies.

this is when being alone

is in its purest form.

a beautiful place

to explore the depths of me.

today I can recall

the struggles that brought me back.

from living a life

that lacked moments like these.

Forbidden Thoughts

 

 

Digging through some old notebooks today...and some old memories.

 

this is a wonderful memory to revisit.

 

~Adult content~

 

 

 

I have lost myself completely in the radiant glow of your skin.

My mind is drawn to the line where the luxurious golden brown

drifts slowly into a paler shade, the lighter color gently highlighting

the places which are forbidden.

I can’t restrain my hand from wandering hungrily over the curves of your body

and as your head falls back, eyes half closed, mouth half open,

I am forced to continue my quest.

I lean forward to kiss you, slowly at first, barely touching your lips

and as you open yourself to me I begin to explore you with my tongue.

Slowly, and for what seems like days, our mouths envelope one another

speaking all of the words that have never been said.

Hours pass and I begin to venture further,

down your neck and over the gentle lines of your body.

My lips cover every inch of you, every corner, every hidden part of you

until I can describe to you what you taste like from the inside out.

For a moment I sit back to look at you, breathless and terrified,

but as you look back into my eyes all hesitation leaves me

and the adventure continues forth.

I run my hand slowly down the tender length of your thigh,

caressing, exploring, feeling.

Around the soft curve of your calf, coming to rest on your ankle

and ever so slowly I lift your leg until it comes to rest on my shoulder.

Open and exposed to me, you invite me into you,

and with exquisite caution and care, I enter into places

I have only gone in my dreams.

With tender and practiced precision,

I eagerly trace my fingers over the delicate folds of your skin.

I listen with anticipation for the changes in your breathing,

signaling me to the places where your desires will unfold.

As the pace of your inhaling and exhaling begins to steadily increase,

so does my excitement.

I place my lips tenderly upon you and part them to allow my tongue

to venture into your body’s depths.

The fragrance and taste of you are overwhelming, and for a brief moment,

I lose my balance and almost forget where I am.

Quickly, I regain my composure, as I realize that this is

the only place I have ever wanted to be.

I continue to hungrily devour the delicacy of you

and at the same time enter you with my hand.

Deep within you I am feeling for, and reaching for,

and calling forth all of your desire.

I have found the place where you can feel me,

where you have allowed me to come inside of you.

Slowly and steadily I feed your need,

your ache, your want.

I call up from the depths of you everything you have ever wished for,

and continue on until you are begging and screaming.

As your nails are digging into my skin,

and the tears are streaming down your face,

I find the place where you will succumb.

Over, and over, and over,

you find your resolution.

In wave after wave of unbelievable release

you beg and scream and cry again.

Moments pass, but time has stood still

as you have given me everything that you have.

With open arms I cradle you in safety

until your breathing resumes it pace.

I stroke your face and kiss you softly,

and you fall into a quiet slumber, exhausted, by my side.

 

As I open my eyes, I return to the reality

that these are simply thoughts…

Simply dreams…

Simply forbidden…