there
is something in the air
on
this breezy fall evening
with
leaves the size of notebook paper
falling
to the ground
the
black and grey haze
of
the nighttime sky
the
backdrop of memories
flashing
past
the
striking of the notes
of
the jangling guitar
the
melodic rush and swirl
transports
me back to a time
that
I can almost taste and feel
the
blue and red flannel shirt
with
the sleeves cut off
dr
martens and 501’s
that
chain that hung from my belt
with
a folding knife at the end
hair
to my shoulders in dark red curls
and
barely 105 lbs
strung
out and dangling
on
the end of a thread
nights
on the corner of 7th and Cherry
those
dirty Long Beach streets
I
spent more time in that smoky bar
than
I ever did anywhere else
days
and days spent wide awake
line
after endless line
god
forbid I surrender and give in to sleep
though
I looked like a ghost most of the time
the
endless miles I spent on the road
just
to keep from being still
afraid
that I would catch up to myself
and
have to look in the mirror
face
hollow cheeks shadowed deep
skin
hanging off bones
a
simple caricature of a human being
making
the motions of being alive
that
night with a gun at the back of my head
lying
face down on the floor
I
remember caring about only one thing
that
they might steal my stash
that
little Ziploc bag
that
I was never without
an
endless supply of wide awake
9
feet tall and bulletproof
the
master of the illusion
that
took me to the highest highs
and
then dashed me onto the floor
to
the lowest of the lows
always
fearing the fall
the
inevitable coming down
I
would fight and scratch and scream
before
I would close my eyes
the
fall was always a devastation
the
proverbial end of the world
the
feeling of dying slowly
the
pain too much to bear
sweating
and aching and shaking
unable
to even form words
after
days on end I would just sit there
staring
into space
the
death of thought
the
numb of my soul
until
I could not feel a thing
and
I had thought I’d won
never
more hollow
never
more cold
a
ghost that
could
move amongst the mass
invisible
and unseen
no
one knew how low I’d gone
that
song tonight took me back there
I
can almost taste that taste
of
it running down my throat
after
I’d inhaled~
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