Saturday, October 19, 2013

Ode To An Addict

there is something in the air

on this breezy fall evening

with leaves the size of notebook paper

falling to the ground

the black and grey haze

of the nighttime sky

the backdrop of memories

flashing past

the striking of the notes

of the jangling guitar

the melodic rush and swirl

transports me back to a time

that I can almost taste and feel

the blue and red flannel shirt

with the sleeves cut off

dr martens and 501’s

that chain that hung from my belt

with a folding knife at the end

hair to my shoulders in dark red curls

and barely 105 lbs

strung out and dangling

on the end of a thread

nights on the corner of 7th and Cherry

those dirty Long Beach streets

I spent more time in that smoky bar

than I ever did anywhere else

days and days spent wide awake

line after endless line

god forbid I surrender and give in to sleep

though I looked like a ghost most of the time

the endless miles I spent on the road

just to keep from being still

afraid that I would catch up to myself

and have to look in the mirror

face hollow cheeks shadowed deep

skin hanging off bones

a simple caricature of a human being

making the motions of being alive

that night with a gun at the back of my head

lying face down on the floor

I remember caring about only one thing

that they might steal my stash

that little Ziploc bag

that I was never without

an endless supply of wide awake

9 feet tall and bulletproof

the master of the illusion

that took me to the highest highs

and then dashed me onto the floor

to the lowest of the lows

always fearing the fall

the inevitable coming down

I would fight and scratch and scream

before I would close my eyes

the fall was always a devastation

the proverbial end of the world

the feeling of dying slowly

the pain too much to bear

sweating and aching and shaking

unable to even form words

after days on end I would just sit there

staring into space

the death of thought

the numb of my soul

until I could not feel a thing

and I had thought I’d won

never more hollow

never more cold

a ghost that

could move amongst the mass

invisible and unseen

no one knew how low I’d gone

that song tonight took me back there

I can almost taste that taste

of it running down my throat

after I’d inhaled~


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