One step and then another

feeling worthless and unwanted

feeling lost and forever alone

the theme repeats over and over

time and time again

loss always feel the same

I feel powerless

victim mentality

is the narrative I can’t shut off

when I have fallen in love

it was always so overwhelming

becoming the living, breathing

reason for my existence

I have never felt truly relevant

unless feeling loved by someone

never felt necessary

on my own

I feel like I move through days

without ever experiencing joy

never lost in the moment

only trying to get to the next

lately it’s been harder

and it seems to get more so each day

the radical ups and downs

becoming the only interesting part

of a truly static existence

I pull farther away

from anything outside myself

and crawl deeper in

to the silence of this place

drink is the drug of choice

and as I consume that first gulp

the warmth that spreads through me

is the comfort I have always craved

that feeling of acceptance

floods through me

I become strong and fearless

and no longer worry what anyone thinks

that lonely place becomes full

and the imaginary feeling

that I am enough

makes me whole

In mid 2016, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I had not spoken to him in 30 yrs. He left when I was about 5 and was not any real part of my life. I had little respect for him and did not want a relationship with him.

When I found out he was sick, I decided to reach out and open a door that had been closed for a very long time. I emailed him and simply told him that I had heard he was ill and wished him well. That email turned into several months of correspondence between us and sharing on a very nice level, things about ourselves. We had quite a lot in common, both writers, both musicians. He sent me a screenplay he was working on and I shared this blog with him.

In early 2017, I had a pretty intense surgery and during my recovery he sent me a note every day. As I was bed ridden, it was so nice to have this ongoing conversation with him. Time passed and we corresponded regularly and neither one of us really dredged up the past but were getting to know the people we were then on a level playing field. I was starting to believe he was a pretty good guy and began to feel a little sad that I had maybe wasted all the years I had not wanted anything to do with him.

 Around April or May of that year, I had worked up the nerve to call him. One morning I was having my car serviced and while waiting for it, I walked outside and called him. I can still picture myself pacing up and down the sidewalk while we talked. I remember that I could hear in his voice his age and illness but he sounded so happy to hear me. We talked for about 30 minutes and I have to say I was pretty happy too. 

Over the months of corresponding, I could feel the little girl who grew up wishing for a father healing a little every day. The circumstances of him leaving always left in me the feeling that we were not wanted and I have had that feeling all of my life.

The next day when I woke up I had 13 missed calls from my mom and no message left. I was really worried and it took me 2 days to get in touch with her. When I finally did she told me that she had received information that my dad way having their marriage annulled. No communication from him about it, just official documents. She was devastated.

A few days passed and I got an email from him asking if I was okay, he hadn’t heard from me in a while. I simply said, I don’t understand why you did what you did. Mind you, he never mentioned any of this to me over the past months. He said that he wanted to be buried in a Catholic cemetery and couldn’t do that if he had been divorced. He said it had no reflection on us kids.

In that moment, everything I had ever felt about him and about myself my whole life came crashing down over me like a wave. This man who had an affair and left his family, who never attended church as an adult, and who was never present in his children’s lives, once again made one of the most selfish moves that affected my mother, myself and my brother’s in a truly horrible way.

I replied to him that I hoped he would find what he was looking for and goodbye. I never heard from him again but got a scathing letter from his wife that my mom asked me not to respond to. Out of sheer respect for her, I didn’t.

About 2 months later, I saw on Facebook that he had died. His wife, who was the woman he had the affair with, did not tell us he died and has not contacted us in any way.

I have recently begun to realize how much the emotion surrounding my relationship, and lack of one with him has affected me my whole life. I am starting to work toward healing and to show that little girl that I have hidden so deep inside, that she is worthy of being loved and is valuable and amazing. It’s hard, every day and takes so much work. I’ve spent a lifetime keeping her quiet and she is just now learning to speak.