Monday, February 18, 2019

one year


it’s been a year
one year today
a year of commemorating events
so many firsts without you
holidays, anniversaries, birthdays,
both mine and yours
it’s been a year of longing
a year of grieving
a year of confusion
a year lonelier than I have ever been

it began with her passing,
her, who I never knew
from all of your stories
I felt as if I did,
as if we had been connected in some way

you sent me word of her
and I was overwhelmed
simply knowing what that loss
would have meant to you
I grieved for you
knowing how you would grieve for her

time passed slowly
as days became weeks
and then months

after she died
I never heard from you again

I don’t know what happened to you
where you went
and as many shades of grey
have become black and white
even who you were

real or not
you were real to me
you loved me and taught me
you brought to life parts of me
that I may otherwise
would never have known
most of all
I loved you
I loved you completely
and with total abandon
I held nothing back
and in the context of what we shared
that was quite a feat

I don’t know how to mourn you now
how to mourn my broken heart
how to grieve something so intangible
I don’t know how to grieve us

so I will grieve her today
and remember her as you painted her
to me




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