Weave...to construct.

list it as one of many things

things I cannot understand

there are mysteries, fables

tales of fantasy and lore

there are illusions

 great and small

and many tendrilled stems

that create visions beyond belief

there are stories

ream after ream of verse

there are paragraphs and chapters

printed and bound to be told

the effort put forth

to create a tale

I know from experience

to be a labor that runs deep

I know what it takes

to lie words on a page

string them together

into tangible pieces of thought

I know the feeling

of taking those words in

in soft quiet moments

in places of private repose

to digest words is to feed

a hunger that cannot be quenched

to fill an aching hollow

with something substantial and pure

to dwell on imagination

to linger one letter at a time

is to fully fill the soul

with treasures rich and rare

words are the church I pray at

with innocence and trust

creation so revered

a true benevolent gift

~

I weave through the tangled threads

in the web that sticks to my skin

I find myself trapped in this maze

the deeper I go in this tale

my movements become restricted

are you watching the caught prey

it’s the only reason I can imagine

that you wasted such time on this tale

Blur

it is somewhere deeper than the eye can see

somewhere beyond the place

where the soul knows how to speak

somewhere within the realm of existence

but far beyond the scope of understanding

it is here where the manifestations begin

here where the body begins to scream

where pain so deep that it cannot be touched

 begins to make itself felt

~

I wonder about the ability to heal

about the possibility of a soul

repairing and regenerating

I wonder about death and rebirth

and I wonder about coming back to life

~

I have lived this pain before

this deeply physical expression of dying

from the inside

a pain that begins at the base of my spine

wrapping itself around my hips

running down my outer thighs

and then beginning to squeeze

holding the center of my being

in a vice-like grip

that will not loosen its hold

I feel it as a slow ache

a nuisance really

all throughout the day

as I begin to limp

to offset the inability of my legs

to react to the demands placed on them

I move slower and with more precision

as I learn to navigate

within the limitations of pain

~

at night

late into the darkest hours

the thing takes on a life its own

I twist and turn as I begin to feel

I seek out a place of quiet

of comfort

but the invasion has begun

I feel it come in layers

discomfort causing a shift

the infusion of this metamorphosis

takes its shape in my dreams

~

I try to move

to run

reach for any forward motion

I become slower

inching my way

across the surface of the earth

and literally begin to move backward

I lower myself to my knees

dig my fingers into the ground

and pull until my body moves

I run on all fours

with speed

grace

and a defined agility

but I can only go so far

~

again I slow

at the demand of the pain

the reins held tightly in its grasp

~

my body shifts and shuffles again

turning over and over in my bed

the dreams become more vivid

I can see myself lying on the ground

crying out in pain

until I scream so loud

that I awaken

~

with tears streaming down my face

body wrenched and wrapped

in the grip of this thing

I have to rise to make it stop

~

I drag my weakened limbs

slowly across the floor

back and forth

at a slow and intentional pace

until the grip releases its hold

until I can move without a limp

until I can stop holding my breath

~

this pain has come and gone

many times in my life

tearing me from sleep and dreams

weakening my core

it saps

and drains

and bleeds me

until I am left a hollow shell

~

I wonder about the existence of this pain

as it wholly encompasses my being

I wonder at the power

that is possesses to take my soul

I wonder at its ability

to be fully present in one moment

I wonder how it can disappear

in the next

I wonder what parallel

is carried within the connections

of this pain

it seems to have a name

it surely has a face

it is a being wholly and unto itself

~

and then I wonder again

about the pain I cannot express

about a nameless

faceless creature

that lurks in the depths of me

an entity that is completely alive

yet slowly killing me

I wonder about the ability

the possibility

the chance

~

I wonder if this physical pain

has come to speak for my heart

…..

the end...

*Sometimes, even though the truth is all you need

it can become the worst thing you've ever heard*

No shock or disbelief

only the simple silence

of your dying a second death

There is a grinding wail erupting

from the deepest part of my soul

and a pain I cannot dare to name

This is the end

the finality of you

the surrender of a dream

I believed too hard

too freely

with too much reckless abandon

I should’ve known better

and in many ways I did

I just wanted to dream

I wanted a fairy tale

I wanted to believe

That I had a chance

that it was my time

that you…

that you were real

But you were just an illusion

a story made up

the plot line and characters

pulled from the tales of my broken heart

You were manifested

out of the emptiness of my need

and you fed me

and fed me

like a lamb to the slaughter

I do not claim innocence

far from it indeed

My ego devoured

the scraps, the crumbs,

and when it was offered,

a table lush and full

To be wanted by you

was nothing short of ecstasy

And to want you

was ever and deeper still

And now to find

that there was no you

that you were just and extension of me

is, in a word, sobering

I think back now over memories

over intimacies that I cannot speak of

I weaved every part of you

into the very fabric of me

But there is no you

and the frayed threads

are unraveling

Threatening to weaken the structure

of what once made me whole

As tears begin slicing holes into the weave

as sunlight pierces the darkness of the cloak

I look down at the glistening blade wrapped in my fist

and I realize that I

am severing the ties

That I am lashing wildly

with the intent to connect

and rip all of this to shreds

I am sickened at the sight

of the weave

so carefully threaded by my hand

I am saddened in a way that I have never been

in the clarity of what I now see

I am shattering so deep inside myself

that my legs barely hold my weight

And I am freezing

as I have been stripped bare

by all that I gave away

My mind swirls

wondering

trying to comprehend

These words as they are laid out before me

telling me things I always feared

but just could not believe

Even now

in the stark reality of this moment

my tiny, timid heart

wants to run away and die

But I sit here surrounded by love

by protection, by strength

I am safe

The sickness still lingers

like rain falling over my leaves

The residue that it leaves in its wake

flooding over me

Your actions were simply unspeakable

unfathomable to a sane heart and mind

I will never be able to understand

so with this I let you go

Vision

Silent

not so much as a whisper 

passing your lips

You simply stood 

watching me

from the shadowed hall

You held my dog

my best friend 

of seventeen years

She hated anyone

who came near me

as they took me from her

But she seemed to know you

to love you

to be content in your arms

Your shadow glowed

a beacon bringing light

into a darkened room

The Gypsy opened the door

and brought you here

my heart is raw at the thought

My eyes are blurry

tear filled visions

are guiding me down this path

Is this supposed 

to be an ending

a place to say goodbye?

Them

For two nights in a row

I have seen you watching me

Standing in a darkened hall

a few short yards away

The first night it startled me

as I peered into the darkness

I raised my hand and reached out

but you simply disappeared

Last night as the band

fed energy into the room

The time came for the clock to strike

and the past to become a beginning

The bells tolled and the room filled

with hugs and the repeating of happy

Happy new, happy start,

as tomorrow became today

Amidst hugs and expressions of love

pairs became joined as one

Music guiding the unions

motion growing from the still

He reached out to ‘him’

in the grasp of her arms

She held ‘her’ close

in the warmth of him

There was a pause in time

and for a moment I felt you

I felt the life

I felt the breath you no longer breathe

The sound of the room funneled

through my ears and into me

A vacuum created

inhaling all that has slipped away

I remembered everything for a moment

I felt everything again

This one is ours, was whispered

let’s dance this one for them…

Rarely in life do we know, when we meet someone, the role they will play in our lives. Sometimes, there are brief moments, flashes, things that stay with you only for a time and sometimes we know souls for a lifetime. Last night I rang in the new year with old and new friends, some of whom have changed my life and some of whom I think will.

  This piece describes a moment shared between two people who are grieving the loss of their loves and in this moment, however brief, they were all there together. In that moment they could touch the past and fondly remember as the hope and possibility of the future came with the arrival of the new year. 

This was a moment that brought healing.  ~ ~ ~