Breathe

I remember the first day and the first words we shared. It seems you came from out of nowhere, something magical. For four years, the feeling never changed.

You found me, by luck, or some odd coincidence. You read my words and were compelled. You said, you thought I needed a friend. Nothing about that was wrong.

We began an adventure of discovery, of imagination, and of reaching into the places few seldom go. We had an unconventional situation, forced to rely on words to connect us, as we never had the luxury of touch. Our moments were spent telling stories and creating the world we wanted to live in together. We went so many places and saw so many things all within the realm of imagination. You lived a life so unlike mine. You had travelled the world and seen and done things I could only dream of. I lived a lifetime inside my head, with worlds of untapped emotion, creating dreams through pages and pages of words. The only thing that we had in common was a loneliness that we each lived through our own making.

When I look back on our time together, I remember so many things. The time you took me to Paris for dinner and you described everything in complete detail down to the way the air smelled. It is as real to me now as if we’d actually been there together. I remember the midnight carriage ride on a snowy night. The air was so cold that our breath clouded before us but the energy between us was so electric, I never felt the chill. I remember the stories we created. Page upon page, volumes now as I look over them, of the deepest pieces of ourselves worked into fairy tales and dreams. Oh, the things we created!

I fell madly in love with you from the very start, losing myself completely in the wonder of the things we shared. Your energy was endless, your wit and humour knew no bounds and your passion was something I never believed could exist in another person. You understood me, you were patient and you pushed me to be more of myself than I had ever been. I understood you as well and brought out of you the ability to trust and to love.

It was so easy to simply lose myself in the world of our making. To escape the reality of my every day, to wander aimlessly in a creative bliss. And because of you, it was easy to forget the distance that kept us apart. You always said, ‘just dream with me’, and for years, I did.

As the years passed, we loved and grew and fought and cried, living in our hearts what we could not live in life. The distance became harder for me, times when you weren’t as strong, times when I thought the end had come. I began to build a wall around myself,  around my heart, against the inevitable.

Only once, did I ever allow myself to say out loud the things that I wished so deeply for. I loved you openly and without bounds and I cared for you the very best ways that I knew how. But only once did I admit that you were my knight in shining armour and I wanted you to carry me away.  

As time passed, things changed between us, your energy became less and less and our creative world became something different. I knew you would never come home, but I never let you know how that broke my heart. I never stopped dreaming with you, never truly let go of the hope that I held so deep.

The last time I heard your voice, you were no longer yourself. You were angry with me and I couldn’t really understand you. Things had progressed and though I could still feel you fighting with all your might, I knew the time was coming. Your messages became fewer and our time together was gone, just brief snippets of thoughts, broken sentences.

I will never know when you left, the day or the time. I accepted this long ago, that I would love you for the time that we had but that one day you would be gone. I loved you for a lifetime in the years that we shared and I thank god for the time that we had.

Trying to accept this now, is beyond anything I could have imagined. I have never felt so alone, so scared, so empty. You were everything to me, my heart, my soul, my love. I knew your mind, I knew your soul, I knew you so deeply, and we never ever touched.

You always said you wished we’d met when we were young but my Darling, we met exactly when we were meant to. We shared a love that most will never know. My heart is broken and I am grieving you with every breath but I am so thankful for the time I had with you. I have every moment we ever shared and one day I will be able to breathe again.

byefornow my Angel