And now at the end of a story that probably never should have been told, I am left with the anger of allowing myself to become less for you. I knew you would never choose me or make me a priority in your life. You say all the pretty words and smile and your eyes sparkle and I just roll over.

From the very beginning, I should have stood my ground, I should have walked away until you were willing to respect the boundary that I asked you for. We were electric together, something I had truly never experienced before. It was hard to say no…

I told you back then, lessening this while we wait for you to make your decisions will harm us. Boundaries and physical limitations will destroy what we have. You didn’t believe me, and now here we are. Five years later, I am a shell and before the dust even settled on us, you are on to someone else.

There were so many times, I should have walked away…to be honest, I tried. Always you would pull me back and we would try again. How many times did we do this? I watched you lie to your family and friends about who I was and who we were to each other. Looking back now, maybe it wasn’t a lie to you. I never would have imagined having to try and process you being so quickly involved with someone else…yet again, here we are. The really fucked up thing is this…less than a week ago, you told me you would let her go. It didn’t really feel right, you said. Then I am bombarded by social media posts of you and her and well, a picture is worth a thousand words.

 

This story is so long and so broken and sad but today I am just feeling like a fool for believing you. Three days ago, we shared a joyful day, so intimate and warm. You held my hand as we walked around town and just took in the day. The next day, and the next and now today, you won’t answer my calls. I know where you are and what you are doing. My question is simply this…Why don’t you just tell me that there is no chance of us ever being together again? Why are you fucking with my heart and my very fragile soul in this way??? Why lead me on?

 

I know I’m not perfect and that we had a lot of things to work on but the simplicity of that fact that you just wouldn’t commit is the core of all of my frustration and anger.

 

I hate that the one person in the world that I believed would never hurt me is now a stranger to me.  

enough

I can’t sleep

my heart races wildly

ticking off the moments

to its pounding beats

I can’t catch my breath

I am sitting still

but feel as if I am moving

faster than my feet could ever go

I cry randomly and often

in front of groups of people

or as I now lie here

so utterly alone

I miss every beautiful moment

that I ever spent with you

in the comfort of your gaze

in the warmth of your arms

I am broken now

beaten, exhausted and holding on

by a single thread

that is tethered to nothing

I am fragile and afraid

because in this moment

I realize how truly alone

I am

 you love me

I love you

but now I remember you once said

love just isn’t enough

I argued the point

so foolishly I held to my belief

that love would light our way

love is simply a foundation

the commitment to build

that love into a lifetime

is where the beauty lies

the hard work, the blood,

the sweat, the tears

and the joy as you watch

your labor become your life

us against the world

you and me

but for us there is only you

and there is only me

your path and your dream

is an open road

for too long

you were tethered in place

I found myself wanting

to be here building

forming the structure

that would frame our life

I want connection and a home

and a love within those walls

I thought we shared that dream

but I realize now that my voice

was the one narrating this tale

and that in your silence

I never heard you

I should have listened

to what the silence said

but I always got so lost

in the way you looked at me

I got lost in the way you held my hand

and the way you touched me

as if you just couldn’t believe

that I was real

but I am real and we were real

I just don’t think that you ever truly believed

that we could have had a life

that would have lasted forever

 

Wholly Loved

the moment you finally realize

that you deserve as much as you give

 

the patterns fall into shape

like puzzle pieces

forming connecting lines

above your head

I see tears and cuts and scrapes and scars

I see rivulets of blood

I see thousands of unanswered questions

nights lying awake in the dark

I see wishes wished, dreams dreamt

I see promises made in vain

I see the terror of being left alone

and the sacrifices made

I see a lonely little girl

who tells herself stories of fairy tales

and a woman who simply can’t understand

that dreams don’t always come true

I see a woman who crawled to the edge of her hell

and walked out on the other side

who can still so easily forget

what it is that keeps her alive

I see her blindly protecting

the heart of the little girl

the one that never stops wishing

to one day be wholly loved

today I remembered that half of nothing

leaves you nothing at all

and giving away the pieces of me

allows me to disappear

like a ghost I’ve hovered on the edges

of a story that may never be told

watching from the shadows

waiting to be written in

like a thief in the night I covet

what never belonged to me

with poison on my tongue

speaking other’s names

it’s better to live alone

than in the loneliness of a lie

I whisper the words to myself

that I deserve to be wholly loved

 

 

Seedling

 

I watch her as she continues to become

she cries and bleeds and tears herself in two

she is trying to heal the wounds of her own pain

and trying to make amends for the things she has done

no one is born knowing all of the rules

strong and self-assured at every turn

each tiny seedling springs up from the dirt

simply trying to get closer to the sun

I have listened to every word that falls from her lips

I have wiped the tears that flow from her bright blue eyes

I have heard the whispers late into the night

and heard her beg for something to ease her pain

she has lived in a world filled with regret and shame

and martyred herself time and time again

yet still she gives and loves and tries

so hard sometimes it defines who she is

it is shockingly simple to see her

she has nothing left to hide

she wears her happy and sad

like the bright red heart on her sleeve

she is raw and overwhelmed

by the intensity of what she feels

she is child-like and ancient

all at the same time

there is one thing I believe

as I watch this beautiful girl

through this perilous journey

she will reveal the strength she holds

she is pure and she is honest

and she is fighting for her life

she is my hero

and I believe completely in her

 

 

 

When She Isn't With Me

 

when she isn’t with me

I feel unwhole

like a part of me has ceased

and it’s hard to breathe

when she isn’t with me

the aloneness takes shape

like something that has a pulse

all its own

when she isn’t with me

I miss her

three simple words

that define this feeling in me

when she isn’t with me

I feel empty

like this aching will never

ever again feel whole

when she isn’t with me

it’s darker

I spend my time

waiting for the sun to rise

when she isn’t with me

I feel the winter chill

and I shiver at the deepest core

of my soul

when she isn’t with me

I try to remember

every moment I have ever

shared with her

when she isn’t with me

I pray

that I will always treasure

the moments I have with her

 

Our Rainbow

 

she says it’s hard for her

that it’s just not who she is

she says she’s not romantic

but look at this girl of mine

I can hear her shifting and shuffling

up to some secret task

then she leads me down the staircase

to a rainbow in the dark

her face lit up in the glowing lights

and my heart skips a beat

this sweet angel of mine

the most beautiful thing I‘ve ever seen

I can see she’s pulled the rug up

off the kitchen floor

she starts the music and pulls me close

and we dance across the room

swaying slowly as one

and sprinkled between each kiss

she sings softly in my ear

of the treasure found in love

I feel the heat on her skin

and the gentleness of her touch

yet she holds me with a strength

so sure of her love for me

she is learning to trust in us

learning to believe in love

she is becoming fearless

in showing me her heart

standing in the light of her gaze

her affection drenching me

is like reaching the end of the rainbow

and finding the pot of gold

 

 

Published!

Well, I've finally done it!

This is my first collection of poetry. It's been years in the making and now these pieces are all together in one place. It's such a strange feeling to see it, hold it in my hands. Amazing!!

It is available through Amazon if you are interested.