Friday, December 27, 2019

She




she brings colour

to my sometimes-stifling greys

she is bright and she is warm

and she shines in deep rich tones

she is wild and she is bold

and in sharp and striking contrast

she is soft

gentle and tender in her touch

when I am strong

she stands beside me beaming

she looks at me as if

I am something magnificent to behold

and when I am feeling small

she holds me to her chest

she nuzzles her way into my heart

and loves me back to life

she, like a star, shines brightly

amidst the dark that sometimes surrounds me

she twinkles and shimmers

and she lights my way

she, in her deeper hues,

is raw and free

she is intimately intense

and I constantly crave her

she is graceful and she moves

in and around me with tantalizing skill

she learns with a voracious appetite

all of the pieces of me

she teaches me, every day

with a heart that has no boundaries

she is showing me how to believe

in unconditional love

she reminded me with her simple gaze

that I had forgotten who I was

she saw me through the haze

when I could not see myself

Wednesday, December 25, 2019

12 yrs old


and all at once I am 12 yrs old again

I am small and sad and lonely

I can feel it as if it is real, it is happening

and I am on the fringes of anything and everything

it seems this wish will never go away

the one where she finally sees me

the one where I would look, to her

the way I once did

the one where she would want to know

the things I hold in my heart

the one where she would care

and she could make me believe it so



in my 51 yr old brain, I understand, truly

not everyone communicates the same way

not everyone needs or even wants

to dig in to the things that get messy

to turn things upside down and take them apart

just to see how they work

less and even fewer still

ever face their pain

but far beyond my years exists

a place where time stood still

and from that moment on

there would always be this hole



I stopped trying so long ago

stopped the active visible efforts

and let the wounds scar over

thickened skin keeping them safe

I numbed or neglected everything I felt

and I bolted and closed those doors

I let years pass and life move on

without any reminders of home

I threw my wishes in the trash

and I tried to forget their names





every now and then

my heart finds some glimmer of hope

I feel like that lost little child again

just wishing to find my way back

I lose all sense of reason

and knowing that some things never change

I forget how to accept her for who she is

the way I want her to accept me






Sunday, December 8, 2019

Firefly


appreciate

to be fully conscious of, aware of

to raise in value

to be grateful or thankful

various meanings or plays

upon the same phrase

I appreciate you

words I hold in high regard

words that define integrity

words that sustain trust

I said those words today

said them from a place where something fluttered in me

as she heard them, I watched her lips

trace the outline of the sentence

she whispered the word

appreciate

I don’t know what it means to her

and in this context

what anything means

this is untraveled ground

it is dangerous on many levels

many aspects of our existence

but we still are drawn like fireflies

to flame that is lighting the way


Friday, December 6, 2019

Duality


caught somewhere in between

the warring sides of myself

there is a duality, a mirror

conflicting sides of a whole

the difference between me and me

and the faces I wear through the day

are beginning to blur in my vision

and in the lines across my face

I am empty so often these days

wearing the mask of strength

I’ve worn it so often, for so long

I’d forgotten what lay underneath

I’ve gone so long without feeling

without allowing anyone in

that my heart had begun to atrophy

internally turning to dust

behind that measured wall of strength

behind the proverbial mask

is a tiny little pulp of a heart

with traces of blood-stained hands

I don’t know which side is me anymore

the strong or the broken shell

I live constantly in the reflection

the duality of my soul




Wednesday, December 4, 2019

Magic


my loneliness knows very little

beyond the depth and breadth of itself

it hears very little

beyond the softness of its gentle cries

there is something oddly beautiful

in its solitary existence

yet something savagely painful

that it has to exist at all

lately I’ve fallen to numbing

to drinking away everything

until all of the edges blur

and the pain ceases to exist

I’ve moved into the darkened corners

to the edges of what could barely be called life

I’ve slipped into oblivion

into a place where I no longer want

I don’t know where I belong

or even where I want to be

I go through endless days and weeks

through one mundane task to the next

and only in rare moments of something I can’t explain

do I glimpse anything resembling hope

recently I have witnessed a strange tenacity

affecting me on a daily basis

a will that refuses to give up

refuses to give in

there is something blissful in that strength

in that seemingly unerring belief

it is foreign to me

yet continues to catch my eye

it is a firefly, a spark

a strange little mystery

that I cannot explain

when I believe in nothing

when nothing brings me peace

from the darkness something shines


and in that I believe


Thursday, July 18, 2019

The reality of finality




At some point, don’t we all have reason to see

the reality of finality

In the sweeping hands of the clock

time adds layers and weight

And in some cases, it strips away everything

until all that’s left are bones

It’s strange, the soft clicking sounds the bones make as they move

a tap, or a click, something…

Something to alert their presence

and remind that they are still here

The flesh becomes thinner, skin…loose

and the barrier of protection that once existed

Suddenly, seemingly suddenly,

disappears as if it was never there

There are moments, instances, where the shadow

the ghost of the former self is visible

The way that it hovers above and in the fringes

may cause you to pause and wonder

You may begin to question your ability

to see anything clearly

You may start to challenge your own

perception and skill to decipher reality

You may simply realize that as life

and its unavoidable reality reveals itself

That you just want to be a child again

and that your parents will never grow old

Friday, July 12, 2019

Resembling, being


is not feeling connected

the same as feeling disconnected

wishing for things that are no longer

or simply wishing for nothing



is distance measurable

or does it bend and twist

creating incremental spaces

that start to define us



is my view from within

anything near the perspective from without

or does this prism bend light

differently from both sides



can you see me, can I see you

we may think the answer yes

but the reality is, the outside

only sees what we allow



we make decisions to be transparent

or to shield ourselves to varying degrees

shades, veils, masks, call them by name

we all wear costumes of one sort or another



we all have faces that we hide

and faces we show the world

we can paint them, adorn them in jewels

or we can strip them naked and bare



is anyone ever comfortable enough

to stand naked in the spotlight

has anyone ever truly felt

that they have nothing left to hide



I feel like my biggest secret is that

I don’t have any secrets anymore

wishes fallen by the wayside

dreams dripping down the drain



can you convince yourself to want

should you have to try to need

when the broken pieces no longer add up to a whole

does it still equal a life



can you push through, can you walk it off

can you take off the masks and the cape

can you strip yourself completely bare

can you believe yourself into being again

Thursday, July 11, 2019

Rainbow Bouquet


I awoke with a shot

not sure where I was

music was playing softly

“imagine there’s no heaven”

the feeling of dread was heavy on my chest

my breath caught as I coughed

the room was brightly lit

and I had forgotten where I was

years have passed now

since this journey began

years since I have been so alone

walking down this road

there was a respite

a brief moment in time

where everything stopped

and I saw you

you caught my eye

like a bouquet of balloons

ready to launch

into the adventure of a lifetime

you blew gently and easily

as if nothing disrupted your flight

you drifted slowly and lazily

letting your colour dazzle my eyes

I was lost in the blur

caught in the midst of a rainbow

feeling the warmth

just before a rain



now the rain has stopped
the ground is dry and cracked
the air has grown too still
and the colour has faded to grey



Photo by Susie Clevenger









Saturday, June 22, 2019

Solstice - a turning point





along the rotating path

on this first of days

with the gesture of a shift or tilt

we gently nod toward the sun



the turn has slowed over time

friction of the tides

over billions of years

causing time to stretch



as the sun reaches up

to its highest point

taking its place on the stage

the next 17 hrs begin




with fingers of light

the rays spread slowly

making their way

from night into day



cerulean skies peppered with clouds

are the canvas onto which

light is splashed

with a feathered brush




the gleam, the slight manifestation

glistens over the radiance of her expression

cross-legged, with praying hands

she pays homage to the sun



the light softly kisses her face

and from somewhere within she glows

separate from yet still a part

on the path, she leads the way



on this day, this longest day

the shine and the glow bring change

seasons shift one to the next

and the alignment of self begins



there is a calm within her smile

a knowing in her pose

she appears to be led by the light

down the path toward herself


* I am very visual and often inspired to write from a simple glimpse. Whether a photo or live in person, I am very affected by what I see. One of the things that inspires me most profoundly is light and the effect is has visually and how that translates physically and spiritually. 
The rays of light that come through clouds is something that no matter when or how I glimpse it, causes me to feel very deeply. It is so many things to me; faith, belief, spirit, wonder, amazement, and awe to name just a few. It always takes my breath away and always makes me pause. 
Sometimes the simple way light hits someone or something has that same affect. 
This poem was inspired by a photo I saw of a Summer Solstice celebration. The affects of the light in the photo were similar to some of my own photos which I included in this post to try and illustrate my meaning. 
I do not own the photo that inspired me so I cannot include it in this post. * 






Friday, May 24, 2019

One step and then another



feeling worthless and unwanted

feeling lost and forever alone

the theme repeats over and over

time and time again

loss always feel the same

I feel powerless

victim mentality

is the narrative I can’t shut off

when I have fallen in love

it was always so overwhelming

becoming the living, breathing

reason for my existence

I have never felt truly relevant

unless feeling loved by someone

never felt necessary

on my own

I feel like I move through days

without ever experiencing joy

never lost in the moment

only trying to get to the next

lately it’s been harder

and it seems to get more so each day

the radical ups and downs

becoming the only interesting part

of a truly static existence

I pull farther away

from anything outside myself

and crawl deeper in

to the silence of this place

drink is the drug of choice

and as I consume that first gulp

the warmth that spreads through me

is the comfort I have always craved

that feeling of acceptance

floods through me

I become strong and fearless

and no longer worry what anyone thinks

that lonely place becomes full

and the imaginary feeling

that I am enough

makes me whole





In mid 2016, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I had not spoken to him in 30 yrs. He left when I was about 5 and was not any real part of my life. I had little respect for him and did not want a relationship with him.

When I found out he was sick, I decided to reach out and open a door that had been closed for a very long time. I emailed him and simply told him that I had heard he was ill and wished him well. That email turned into several months of correspondence between us and sharing on a very nice level, things about ourselves. We had quite a lot in common, both writers, both musicians. He sent me a screenplay he was working on and I shared this blog with him.



In early 2017, I had a pretty intense surgery and during my recovery he sent me a note every day. As I was bed ridden, it was so nice to have this ongoing conversation with him. Time passed and we corresponded regularly and neither one of us really dredged up the past but were getting to know the people we were then on a level playing field. I was starting to believe he was a pretty good guy and began to feel a little sad that I had maybe wasted all the years I had not wanted anything to do with him.

 Around April or May of that year, I had worked up the nerve to call him. One morning I was having my car serviced and while waiting for it, I walked outside and called him. I can still picture myself pacing up and down the sidewalk while we talked. I remember that I could hear in his voice his age and illness but he sounded so happy to hear me. We talked for about 30 minutes and I have to say I was pretty happy too. 
Over the months of corresponding, I could feel the little girl who grew up wishing for a father healing a little every day. The circumstances of him leaving always left in me the feeling that we were not wanted and I have had that feeling all of my life.

The next day when I woke up I had 13 missed calls from my mom and no message left. I was really worried and it took me 2 days to get in touch with her. When I finally did she told me that she had received information that my dad way having their marriage annulled. No communication from him about it, just official documents. She was devastated.

A few days passed and I got an email from him asking if I was okay, he hadn’t heard from me in a while. I simply said, I don’t understand why you did what you did. Mind you, he never mentioned any of this to me over the past months. He said that he wanted to be buried in a Catholic cemetery and couldn’t do that if he had been divorced. He said it had no reflection on us kids.

In that moment, everything I had ever felt about him and about myself my whole life came crashing down over me like a wave. This man who had an affair and left his family, who never attended church as an adult, and who was never present in his children’s lives, once again made one of the most selfish moves that affected my mother, myself and my brother’s in a truly horrible way.

I replied to him that I hoped he would find what he was looking for and goodbye. I never heard from him again but got a scathing letter from his wife that my mom asked me not to respond to. Out of sheer respect for her, I didn’t.

About 2 months later, I saw on Facebook that he had died. His wife, who was the woman he had the affair with, did not tell us he died and has not contacted us in any way.

I have recently begun to realize how much the emotion surrounding my relationship, and lack of one with him has affected me my whole life. I am starting to work toward healing and to show that little girl that I have hidden so deep inside, that she is worthy of being loved and is valuable and amazing. It’s hard, every day and takes so much work. I’ve spent a lifetime keeping her quiet and she is just now learning to speak.