12 yrs old

and all at once I am 12 yrs old again

I am small and sad and lonely

I can feel it as if it is real, it is happening

and I am on the fringes of anything and everything

it seems this wish will never go away

the one where she finally sees me

the one where I would look, to her

the way I once did

the one where she would want to know

the things I hold in my heart

the one where she would care

and she could make me believe it so



in my 51 yr old brain, I understand, truly

not everyone communicates the same way

not everyone needs or even wants

to dig in to the things that get messy

to turn things upside down and take them apart

just to see how they work

less and even fewer still

ever face their pain

but far beyond my years exists

a place where time stood still

and from that moment on

there would always be this hole



I stopped trying so long ago

stopped the active visible efforts

and let the wounds scar over

thickened skin keeping them safe

I numbed or neglected everything I felt

and I bolted and closed those doors

I let years pass and life move on

without any reminders of home

I threw my wishes in the trash

and I tried to forget their names





every now and then

my heart finds some glimmer of hope

I feel like that lost little child again

just wishing to find my way back

I lose all sense of reason

and knowing that some things never change

I forget how to accept her for who she is

the way I want her to accept me