Noise

it’s interesting to notice

the difference in how things sound

the way words bounce off walls

the way they ring in your ears

I know the way addiction sounds

I’ve written line after line 

I’ve assembled strings of words

describing how it feels to be bound  

the sound can be almost deafening

and some days it all goes black

the edges sharp and jagged

scraping against the skin

in the rivulets of pain

that flow from open wounds

streaming sanguine rivers

that simply trickle away

silence screams louder

than any sound ever could

through pacing and internal combustion

and skin that doesn’t fit

I’ve run so far and so fast

to keep the sounds at bay

I’ve run so long that I’ve forgotten

what the voices need to say

yesterday the words

came in short and fast clips

broken sentences abbreviated

language, a foreign thing

tears fueled by anger

by frustration, pain, angst

and the orchestra of cacophony

sang a song I know so well

the overwhelming feeling

of being sick of myself

ran like a loop through my mind

for the entire length of the day

short reprieves in love

and the kindness of strangers, now friends

softened the edges just enough

so the clock continued to move

digging deep into the muck

to climb up out of the mire

begging into the vast unknown

that I see what I need to see

with eyes swollen and burning

with a heart bleeding out on the floor

my knees becoming calloused

from humbling myself here

I am fighting for my life, it seems

a war I cannot lose

with an urgency the battles rage

my will screams in pain

with every victory, white flags wave

in the quiet aftermath

and I revel in the awe of the silence

and how different the calm sounds

Balance - A Tightrope Walk

the hallmark of days such as this

lined up on two different planes

the idea of a parallel universe

never more evident than this

does one exist before the other

or are they born at the same time

one came in like breathing

the other came with intent

in learning to be patient and listen

and to give emotions names

awareness is like a living thing

and also inhabits this space

in the midst of all of this emptiness

I can feel the crowd in my room

it is feeling suddenly uncomfortable

as if there is not enough space

feeling the need to bolt

feeling the need to break

listening into the emptiness

naming those gathering here

all of the familiar guests

loneliness, frustration and fear

everything feels the same

yet the shift has announced itself

upon arrival it shakes the room

knocking everything to the floor

rattling foundations, still not secure

wreaking havoc in this place

searching for the structural pieces

that connect to form a frame

the solidity rooted in the building

the unshakeable nature of being

there is a buzzing sound this morning

a chainsaw against a tree

but the birds are still taking twigs to the nest

I realize they can’t hear a thing

from the parallel plane that exists within

I can see through to the other side

I sit and watch in awe

as the world simply continues to move

it’s kind of like walking a tightrope

inhabiting two places at once

but balance can be a fleeting thing

as it takes so much focus to maintain

so inevitably there will come a point

where I will tip to either side

and then will come the answer to which came first

what could be or what has always been

You Are My Sunshine

“you are my sunshine…”

the words of that simple tune

turn over and over in my mind

a song that has been sung countless times

but still in my ears it feels new

the magical feeling washing over me

has me seeing life for the first time

through the eyes of a child, those wiser now

but this innocence is filled with delight

I vacillate between these emotions

this roller coaster ride

between this ache in my heart from missing you

and the joy that I have you to miss

I spend so much time lately

feeling simply stunned and amazed

that this unbelievable gift I’ve been given

is truly mine to hold

I notice how often my hands shake

and the flutter within my heart

and the strength that fills my soul

when I hold you in my arms

I wake up early each morning

and spend time in grateful thought

thankful for the simple moments

that I get to spend with you

life is filled with challenges

with hills and mountains to climb

insurmountable though it may seem at times

I feel you by my side

today you are thousands of miles away

but I know the touch of your hand

I know the sound of your voice

as it whispers in my ear

so this morning in quiet reflection

I am celebrating you

the love of my life, my beautiful girl

I am so in love with you

The Path

it’s not an easy thing to do

to simply sit in the silence

to let feelings of discomfort

hang on you like a veil

it’s challenging at best

to be quiet in those moments

and listen with an open heart

to any answer that comes

when the feelings start to surface

and the churning within begins

frantic, frenetic, kinetic

the fork in the road is here

down one path is the inevitable

journey into crazy

in patterns, fixations and habits

the road that has no end

obsessive, compulsive, addictive

actions that never resolve

the record continues to spin

but the song remains the same

the other path that awaits

is the road typically less taken

it’s bumpy with potholes and roadblocks

and hard to navigate

measured steps are required

patience and moving slow

open eyes and listening

to maneuver this terrain

it takes time to travel this path

it is not familiar ground

in trying to rush to the end

you will surely slip and fall

but I believe there is something

et the end of this winding road

something worth discovering

the proverbial row to hoe

Today I Simply Pray

I never knew how to pray

to surrender to what I cannot explain

I believed that I was the only one

who could dictate the way of my path

I never understood faith

a concept my mind could not bend

I couldn’t make it fit in the boxes

that I compartmentalize in my head

I was always the one to blame

when I wrote the storyline

And in being the villain I glorified

the right to ease my pain

I hid away in the darkened corners

and drowned in a bottle of numb

Slowly dying from this self-imposed exile

yet crying that I was alone

For years, for nearly a lifetime

I was simply waiting to die

But I think the reality was

I couldn’t even commit to that

I’d walk, even run, then trip and fall

but the circle always spun back

To the place where I would stare at myself

and not recognized my own face

The staggering, stumbling, screaming

the nonsense of drunken slurs

And then the inevitable regret and remorse

as the circle spun again

The inexorable end of this fabled tale

illuminated by grace

In the light of mercy and love

I turned to find a blank page

The morning is awake with sounds of hope

as the world around me springs to life

With open eyes I am humbled

I can see the gift of this day

The sun will rise and then set again

regardless of my taking note

For a lifetime I have taken for granted

and wished every minute away

Today I feel awake

today I feel alive

Today I want to feel the sun

warm the surface of my skin

I want to let hope wash over me

and fill me from within

To let light in through the cracks in the surface

where darkness has always been

Serenity

wondering if I can run

faster than the voices in my head

feeling the pulsing and pounding

and my heartbeat quickens as well

I am trying to slow things down

trying to let my breathing become even

trying to let this churning feeling

settle into a quiet hum

there was a poke, skin pricked

a scratch under the surface

and now the wound is festering

infection trying to set in

I step outside into the rain

arms and legs bare

and I begin to move with intent

one step at a time

at first cold muscles start to scream

as the aching needs to be heard

my lungs choke on the chill in the air

but I breathe through the burning in my chest

slow and measured steps

breath finding time with the pace

each footfall pushing forward

propelling me from this place

it’s easy to just drop anchor

and hunker down in the cold

wrapped in cloaks of comforting warmth

as you spiral down the hole

but stripped half naked and soaked

as I run for my life through the rain

I can’t tell the difference between raindrops and tears

they feel one and the same

the sound of the rain is following me

like footsteps on this path

and the feeling that I am not out here alone

creeps slowly up my back

I look to the sky, the rain on my face

and I feel the words pass my lips

God, grant me the serenity

to accept what I cannot change

Just Some Of The Things She Does

she believes in me

when I’m not even sure I believe in myself

she sees me

when my eyes are blurred from crying so many tears

she hears me

when my screams are hidden behind a wall of words

she listens

to the things that I don’t have the guts to say

she cries

when I am weak and fall under the pain

she holds me

when I falter, until I can stand again

she smiles

every single time she looks at me

she laughs

her infectious laugh at the silliest of things

she beams

with pride at what we both are able to do

she whispers

the things that she wants to be sure I hear

she pauses

when she feels things getting away from her

she giggles

because sometimes it’s simply all you can do

she dreams

of forever and for always and maybe just for today

she comforts

when I am feeling tired and small and worn

she inspires

when my darkness tries to get the best of me

she loves me

and it makes me want to be a better me

she loves me

and it makes me believe that I can do anything

I Had It All

staring at myself in the mirror

hating everything I see

the sober face of shame and regret

the loss of all my dreams

I had it all, everything

and I’ve gone and pissed it away

for what, I can’t even tell you now

words just empty sounds

I feel like there are two of me

the one sitting here and that other one

they are strangers to each other

but stranger still, is me

feeling the complete loss of control

feeling pain I cannot describe

wishing I could simply turn back the clock

knowing all that I cannot change

this aloneness is killing and crumbling me

my skin feels like some sort of cloak

this thing that I have to carry around

to keep all the pain from spilling out

I thought I had this under control

that I was somehow better than this

but I sit in the palm of its outstretched hand

waiting for the fist to clench

I had it all, I had everything

just keeps playing over in my head

and then the shame starts spiraling

I can’t stand the sight of myself

I want to hide away in the dark

but the sun is coming up as I write

I am terrified of being seen

as my face tells all that I’ve done

I had it all, I had everything

I had love and I had trust

in one moment I threw it away

and now I am left with myself

she told me I was amazing

she told me I was strong

I don’t know how she saw in me

what I cannot find in myself

it hurts so badly I feel paralyzed

and so panicked I can’t sit still

I am spinning so savagely from within

and I have nowhere to go

all I want is to feel

some sort of internal peace

yet the silence never stops screaming at me

it’s the only thing I can hear

Increments - 30 days

measured moment by moment

but praised by increments of time

I wonder about the rigidity

because it doesn’t make sense to me

slogans and phrases repeated

almost a mantra of shame

the price of admission, surrender

as if that erases the pain

I sit here now in this moment

the river still flowing past

nothing remains, the world moves by

letting the silence seep in

feeling every feeling imaginable

and still feeling nothing at all

this milestone, solitary

feeling like anything else

this is mine, this is for me

I know and I understand

I thought I would find some connection

a different kind of peace

30, 60, 90 days

will it ever feel different than this

just as I conquer everything

the forward steps never cease

the river flows in ripples

nothing disrupts its path

it may change its course or the landscape

but it will find a way

I feel like the river today

as 30 days trickle by

the tiniest splash, imperceptible sound

and the water is flowing again

Mercy

the spiraling, spinning maze of confusion

stirs itself into the mix of anguish and pain

and aching emptiness

at the bottom of an empty well

a terror so strong it shakes me

at the core of who I am

kneeling in front of an open window

as tears explode from my eyes

I listen for something tangible

as the wind moves through the trees

I listen to the chiming melodies

for the unspoken sound of a word

the key is willingness…

that is the message today

the answer is somewhere in the silence

in the idea of faith

I don’t want to know only the ‘idea’

but still the questions come

and in the cold wind filling my room

I rock back and forth and cry

help me to let go of this pain

of this fear that grips my chest

help me learn to breathe

like the leaves falling from the trees

help me carry this weight

as I buckle beneath the task

I am on my knees

help me, help me please

I don’t know your name

or if I can recognize your face

but I can willingly concede

that there is no other way out of this

in the quiet chill of this morning

as the birds sing to me from the trees

I am willing to surrender

please, have mercy on me…