Today I Simply Pray

I never knew how to pray

to surrender to what I cannot explain

I believed that I was the only one

who could dictate the way of my path

I never understood faith

a concept my mind could not bend

I couldn’t make it fit in the boxes

that I compartmentalize in my head

I was always the one to blame

when I wrote the storyline

And in being the villain I glorified

the right to ease my pain

I hid away in the darkened corners

and drowned in a bottle of numb

Slowly dying from this self-imposed exile

yet crying that I was alone

For years, for nearly a lifetime

I was simply waiting to die

But I think the reality was

I couldn’t even commit to that

I’d walk, even run, then trip and fall

but the circle always spun back

To the place where I would stare at myself

and not recognized my own face

The staggering, stumbling, screaming

the nonsense of drunken slurs

And then the inevitable regret and remorse

as the circle spun again

The inexorable end of this fabled tale

illuminated by grace

In the light of mercy and love

I turned to find a blank page

The morning is awake with sounds of hope

as the world around me springs to life

With open eyes I am humbled

I can see the gift of this day

The sun will rise and then set again

regardless of my taking note

For a lifetime I have taken for granted

and wished every minute away

Today I feel awake

today I feel alive

Today I want to feel the sun

warm the surface of my skin

I want to let hope wash over me

and fill me from within

To let light in through the cracks in the surface

where darkness has always been

Them

For two nights in a row

I have seen you watching me

Standing in a darkened hall

a few short yards away

The first night it startled me

as I peered into the darkness

I raised my hand and reached out

but you simply disappeared

Last night as the band

fed energy into the room

The time came for the clock to strike

and the past to become a beginning

The bells tolled and the room filled

with hugs and the repeating of happy

Happy new, happy start,

as tomorrow became today

Amidst hugs and expressions of love

pairs became joined as one

Music guiding the unions

motion growing from the still

He reached out to ‘him’

in the grasp of her arms

She held ‘her’ close

in the warmth of him

There was a pause in time

and for a moment I felt you

I felt the life

I felt the breath you no longer breathe

The sound of the room funneled

through my ears and into me

A vacuum created

inhaling all that has slipped away

I remembered everything for a moment

I felt everything again

This one is ours, was whispered

let’s dance this one for them…

Rarely in life do we know, when we meet someone, the role they will play in our lives. Sometimes, there are brief moments, flashes, things that stay with you only for a time and sometimes we know souls for a lifetime. Last night I rang in the new year with old and new friends, some of whom have changed my life and some of whom I think will.

  This piece describes a moment shared between two people who are grieving the loss of their loves and in this moment, however brief, they were all there together. In that moment they could touch the past and fondly remember as the hope and possibility of the future came with the arrival of the new year. 

This was a moment that brought healing.  ~ ~ ~

The Art of Dying

I believe I’ve mastered the art of dying

slowly chipping away pieces.

the jagged parts disconnected

the lines no longer touch,

I’ve believe that I have conquered sadness

I’ve got this one mastered too.

dwelling in darkened places

speaking words of pain.

I know I’ve become despair

on every level of who I am.

at one time or another

it has even been my name.

I’ve learned to cry myself to sleep

in the absence of any sound.

at times it’s been the only voice

that I have been able to find.

I’ve taken to singing in a mournful wail

when my heart just can’t form a smile.

again, at least the sounds come out

they are the only ones I have.

I know what it means to grieve

endlessly day after day.

to be wrapped so tightly in desolation

you flinch at another’s touch.

I know what it is when that touch never comes

and the ache that emanates from my skin.

I wear it like a garment

until it becomes who I am.

I’ve become an expert at all of these things

I’d like to learn something new.

I’d like to learn to smile

from somewhere deep inside.

I’d love to be able to laugh

without any other feeling attached.

not ‘until’ or ‘because’

but to simply feel joy.

I yearn to fall in love

with someone who truly sees me.

someone who actually hears what I say

not just who they need me to be.

I want to give my heart

openly without fear or regret.

I want to trust again

it just seems an impossible task.

I’m tired of being broken

tired of being torn.

of constantly trying to hold together

something that may never be whole.