Her Laughter

it erupts suddenly and seemingly from nowhere

but it is rooted in the deepest parts of her

it is born deep in her core

and it shakes her as it explodes

there is a warning sign, nothing short of a whisper

but you will only catch the slightest glimpse

and you have to know what to look for

you have to be paying attention



paying attention…

her favorite form of currency

she believes in the investment

and the worth that those moments hold



the signs, as I said, are there

a soft and subtle inhale

drawing strength for what is about to come

for the inevitable and unending cacophony of sounds

as she inhales, there is a twinkle that flashes

just on the edge where the azure bleeds into

the pure white of her eye

it sparkles like the sunrise on the sea

that shimmer begins to multiply

like a thousand diamonds glistening

and my eyes begin to dance

following those bright flashes

the second sign begins at the top of her cheek

just below the outer corner of her eye

the skin rises into a half circle

accentuating the sparkle with its curve

the movement slowly spreads across her face

the deep blush of her lips

follows her cheeks as they turn up at the corners

and the sound takes its shape

as I watch her, everything in her changes

her face begins to open

like a flower as it blooms

the beauty nearly knocking me to my knees

the musical lilt of her voice

flooding my ears and my senses

the gasping breaths moving in and out of her

fueling this glorious sound

it shakes her visibly

tears form in the corners of her eyes

never eclipsing the shimmer and shine

only adding to the beautiful glow

it is infectious and overcomes me as well

and I cannot control myself

the sounds escape me

echoing in harmony the music she makes

as her breathing slows

she regains her composure

the smile becoming softer

but her eyes never change


I am stunned and dazzled

and my eyes simply stare


this is what I see, this is what I hear

when she laughs

rambling morning thoughts

perhaps it is a question of faith

perhaps one of trust

it is surely lodged deep in the heart of honesty

it is integrity, humility, and virtue



how do we overcome our own shortcomings?

how do we right our wrongs?

how do we let our future

become more important than our past?

where do you begin

when you wish for change?

what does that look like?

how do the words sound?

is it a language you even know

or are you a stranger trying to find your way?

do your senses become heightened

when your balance leaves you shaken?



the first step, for me

has always been the truth

recognition of a wrong

or asking for a want or need

it seems simple, I know

but do we always know

when we have wronged another?

do we ever know

what we truly want or need?

within the endless questions

there must be times of reflection

the internal turn where you face yourself

where you see yourself through the eyes of another



do you have such a mirror

the luxury of a devil’s advocate?

someone who will challenge you

in ways you cannot challenge yourself?

do you view your reflection

through open eyes?

or do you let your gaze be clouded

by the ego that protects you?

where do you feel safe in your own skin

and why isn’t that feeling everywhere in your world?

what would you change if you could

pieces, spaces, the walls that hold you?

what would the landscape of your own design look like?

what would you add or take away

to make the terrain someplace that challenged you

but where you also felt safe?



I wonder about the cost of freedom

is it really all it’s cracked up to be?

or is it just another form of loneliness

disguised as something else?



we consider the origins of that paths that led us here

two roads, so long, so seemingly endless

what did we learn on that journey

that will change the way our destination looks?

what have we carried down this road

that has made us stronger for the effort?

what will we do differently today

that will shape the outline of our future?

what will we let go of in order to hold on

to all that tomorrow brings?

The Story of Us

that’s her, right there, do you see her?

let me tell you how I know…

her movements define her

but you have to look closely

initially, I can see where you might be misled

where you might mistake what you see

she moves quickly, nearly always

rapid-fire, full-tilt, lickety-split

and while it’s hard to see from the outside

she moves so, with intent

no matter the environment

I can see her clearly

professionally, she has purpose

leading the charge to success

inspiring with a smile

that could make you believe in anything

support with kindness

words whispered over a shoulder

a hand patting a back

laughter pushing hesitation forward

personally, those glimpses are newer, and fewer

yet in the retelling of tales

I can see her character

as it lives on her page

here she is stealthy, covert, concealed

she has learned to exist on the edge

on the fringe, just outside

the things that she deserves

‘not enough’ is a phrase that passes her lips

far too many times

and the more I see into her

I can see the reasons why

this sweet angel, this darling girl

this woman who makes me smile

has martyred her view of her brilliance

yet I still see her shine

she settled into tolerance

for the proverbial ‘winter’s nap’

and believed that is was ok

to feel nothing ever again

she allowed herself to accept

the things that she never received

I’m not even sure she realized

how completely they had gone

she let her capacity to love

her own gift of empathy

become the measure of her happiness

gauged only by herself

the first time she saw me

it was as if she had been awoken

from that long lonely sleep

from the silence in her heart

she was drawn to the light

that she somehow knew

would illuminate the darkness

that had fallen over her

as I watch her now

outside of us

her pace never changes

its rhythm driving her

and then she comes to me

and once the door is closed

like crawling into a nest

she becomes quiet and still

she knows she belongs here

everything about her is softer

when she is next to me

and she never stops touching me

as if she can’t believe I’m real

while her body takes root in me

her fingers become her pulse

and I can see her still searching

not sure I won’t disappear

she touches me, as if she is studying

trying to remember every detail

I know that deep within her

she is still so afraid

her eyes, are clear blue windows

that allow me full access to her

and I watch her as she watches me

and I see myself through her eyes

I have been chosen by her

and it has always been as simple as that

there is no denying her tenacity

I tried that, yet here I am

the moment I felt her touch me

all of my arguments fell away

and I saw this beautiful creature

and suddenly, I was also awake

now I watch her with crystalline eyes

every nuance, every trace, every tinge

she unknowingly bares herself to me

and I chronicle her cues

she gives me words, and signs

she gives me passion and intent

she gives me answers without even knowing

she’s given me the story of her

she’s given me the ultimate gift

of interpreting the mystery of her

and in that unfolding tale

lies the story of our life

Abundance and Joy

thoughts on abundance and joy

overflowing fullness

and the emotion

of great delight

it’s simple, truly

and as I recall

one day she thought

simple would not be enough

I believe and I have discovered

that simple is the life that I want

simple purity, simple truth

and the absolute simplicity of love

while it is true enough

that love can be complex

and love can be complicated

and well, I can be those things too

it is also true that joy lies

in the sparkle of her eyes

that bliss can be found

in the sweetness of her smile

and I have discovered

 the meaning of abundance

in the love that she showers

 upon me

to simply sit next to her

in the space of any room

and there is nothing more

I could wish for

to listen to her stories

to the tales of her life

and to be able to

hold her hand

to be uninterrupted

by the rest of the world

in a continuous state

of connection

to sneak quietly away

to our place in the clouds

where our bodies speak with the passion

of our voice

joy is simple

abundance, plain

both exist without

even a thought

our connection is as easy

as breathing

and only grows deeper

in the time spent apart

my desire for her

in unmeasured

and my need for her

makes me want

I want to live this abundant life

I want to fill and be filled

I want to give her the joy

that she constantly gives to me

I want her to know

without hesitation

that there are no doubts

in my mind

that I have committed to myself

who I will be for her

and I will give my all

as she gives everything to me

I want to thank her for believing

so long before I knew

that she was the girl who would have my heart

and I’ll never let her go

Vulnerable

unguarded, susceptible

open, naked

of, or pertaining to,

being vulnerable

there is nothing between us

but skin

the largest organ on the body

it’s only purpose, to protect

the thing about skin, is this

not only does it cover muscle and bone

but it feels everything

every sensation touches the skin first

warmth or cold, hard or soft

the skin bears the weight

of a strike, with the same intensity

of a kiss or caress

skin is self-healing

it can be cut, ripped or torn

and thought it will show evidence of scars

it can regenerate to close a wound

to lie completely naked beside you

all protective layers peeled away

all manner of hiding insecurity

thrown in a heap on the floor

to strip away the barriers

the decorative layers

the ways that we fool ourselves

and everyone else

to lie beside you, breathing

as the surface of our skin connects

and to listen to the way

we allow our bodies to speak

is to become vulnerable

in the spotlight of your gaze

to open every door

that has ever kept me safe

to lie quietly as you let your fingers

become your every sense

as you touch me with the intensity

of one who cannot see

to sing to you

as you wrap yourself around me

lying your head against my back

to feel the vibrations of my soul

to lay my head on your shoulder

as I cling to you

and you hold me

as tears fall in rivers from my eyes

I have nothing to hide from you

nothing to fear

I want to be transparent in your gaze

I want to be completely laid bare

the vulnerability that once scared me to death

has become the thing that I crave

to be known and loved by you

has given me life again

Trust

what is the measure of your worth?

do your words define you?

or are your actions the only thing

that throw light upon your soul?

today you feel it, for whatever reason

some days there simply is no reason

but today it sits in the center of your chest

and the weight takes your breath

it’s not because you are unhappy

it’s not because you are alone

it’s not due to anything that is visible

it comes from something deeper

some need… but what

I can’t dig deep enough to name it

or maybe I could but I just don’t want to

when I scratch at the surface, it stings

it makes my stomach lurch and something

at the core of me shakes

I look at the structure of my day

and I know I can “get away with it”

I know I can go to that place and shut myself down

and I could explain my absence away

but what, in that hiding, am I running to?

I go there and it never fails that upon my return

I regret it

I regret the lies that I tell myself

the lies I tell anyone else

and I regret the time that I’ve lost

while I am there, in that numbing form of oblivion

I don’t even know what I want

with the first hit, there is always this rush of emotion

and then as fast as it comes, it goes

and I float around in this sad space of numb

I cry, I scream, I dream…

but now my dreams are actually coming true

I have love and happiness

I have laughter and light and passion

I have hunger that is being fed

and need that is being met

so what is it?

has it simply become habit?

that’s something to consider

that I have created this comfort zone,

this resting place, this pause in my existence

and I don’t know how to cope without it?

the addict is entitled

the addict is selfish

the addict wants immediate gratification

the addict “wants what she wants”

and “she wants it now”

not exactly conducive to being healthy

being in a loving, growing relationship

being a human that I am proud of

so today as I sit here

staring head on at this thing on my chest

making direct eye contact and not looking away

I think about her, about my love

I think about how she makes me feel

I think about how I make her feel

I think about who and what we are together

I think about my commitment

I think about the promises I made to myself

the promises I make to her

I think about the life I am discovering with her

and the life we both want to have

I feel the weight on my chest

trying so hard to take the breath from me

I think about why I let it sit there

and why I even listen to its static hum

the steady even throbbing sound

that is sometimes deafening

to the exclusion of all other sounds

I start to cry and I realize

that if I stand up

that thing will simply fall to the floor

it may not shatter into fragments and dust

as it strikes the surface of the ground

but the loud thud that it makes

will shatter the constant hum

I realize that the only way

it can hold me down

is if I fail to stand up

one single act of defiance

both feet on the floor

I don’t even have to move

not right away

just stand, on two feet

once up, I can wait

until balance settle my stance

I can wait until the wavering

and the wobbling cease

and then I can take one step

I think about her again

in my mind she is always moving

I call her a firefly, a lightning bug

the representation of illumination and light

I read about this creature

and its symbolism refers to that

of an exceptional human being

one that shines from the inside out

it is a symbol of hope, of guidance

and of natural energy

they use their environment

to be as effective as possible

in order to gain their energy

I think about this for a long time

and I realize again this gift I have before me

this little firefly, this bright shining light

inspires me to try

she inspires me to be more

she inspires me to shine and not hide away

in the lost shadows where I have always lived

I want to shine

I want to be strong

I want to make her proud

I want to be proud as well

so today I will stand up

I will steady myself

and I will hold her hand

today I will take one step

and I will move one step away

from the weight of the thing

that falls to the floor

today I will ask her to look my way

and I will smile back at her

I will humbly ask her to hold my hand

as I take a step

I will watch her shine for me

as she lights up the darkness

I will ask for her support

as my knees shake

and I will trust her

to stand beside me

I have to do this

but

I don’t have to do it alone