feeling worthless and unwanted
feeling lost and forever alone
the theme repeats over and over
time and time again
loss always feel the same
I feel powerless
victim mentality
is the narrative I can’t shut off
when I have fallen in love
it was always so overwhelming
becoming the living, breathing
reason for my existence
I have never felt truly relevant
unless feeling loved by someone
never felt necessary
on my own
I feel like I move through days
without ever experiencing joy
never lost in the moment
only trying to get to the next
lately it’s been harder
and it seems to get more so each day
the radical ups and downs
becoming the only interesting part
of a truly static existence
I pull farther away
from anything outside myself
and crawl deeper in
to the silence of this place
drink is the drug of choice
and as I consume that first gulp
the warmth that spreads through me
is the comfort I have always craved
that feeling of acceptance
floods through me
I become strong and fearless
and no longer worry what anyone thinks
that lonely place becomes full
and the imaginary feeling
that I am enough
makes me whole
In
mid 2016, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I had not spoken to him in 30 yrs.
He left when I was about 5 and was not any real part of my life. I had little
respect for him and did not want a relationship with him.
When
I found out he was sick, I decided to reach out and open a door that had been
closed for a very long time. I emailed him and simply told him that I had heard
he was ill and wished him well. That email turned into several months of
correspondence between us and sharing on a very nice level, things about
ourselves. We had quite a lot in common, both writers, both musicians. He sent
me a screenplay he was working on and I shared this blog with him.
In
early 2017, I had a pretty intense surgery and during my recovery he sent me a
note every day. As I was bed ridden, it was so nice to have this ongoing
conversation with him. Time passed and we corresponded regularly and neither
one of us really dredged up the past but were getting to know the people we
were then on a level playing field. I was starting to believe he was a pretty
good guy and began to feel a little sad that I had maybe wasted all the years I
had not wanted anything to do with him.
Around
April or May of that year, I had worked up the nerve to call him. One morning I
was having my car serviced and while waiting for it, I walked outside and
called him. I can still picture myself pacing up and down the sidewalk while we
talked. I remember that I could hear in his voice his age and illness but he
sounded so happy to hear me. We talked for about 30 minutes and I have to say I
was pretty happy too.
Over the months of corresponding, I could feel the little girl
who grew up wishing for a father healing a little every day. The circumstances
of him leaving always left in me the feeling that we were not wanted and I have
had that feeling all of my life.
The
next day when I woke up I had 13 missed calls from my mom and no message left.
I was really worried and it took me 2 days to get in touch with her. When I
finally did she told me that she had received information that my dad way having
their marriage annulled. No communication from him about it, just official
documents. She was devastated.
A
few days passed and I got an email from him asking if I was okay, he hadn’t
heard from me in a while. I simply said, I don’t understand why you did what
you did. Mind you, he never mentioned any of this to me over the past months.
He said that he wanted to be buried in a Catholic cemetery and couldn’t do that
if he had been divorced. He said it had no reflection on us kids.
In
that moment, everything I had ever felt about him and about myself my whole
life came crashing down over me like a wave. This man who had an affair and
left his family, who never attended church as an adult, and who was never present
in his children’s lives, once again made one of the most selfish moves that
affected my mother, myself and my brother’s in a truly horrible way.
I
replied to him that I hoped he would find what he was looking for and goodbye.
I never heard from him again but got a scathing letter from his wife that my
mom asked me not to respond to. Out of sheer respect for her, I didn’t.
About
2 months later, I saw on Facebook that he had died. His wife, who was the woman
he had the affair with, did not tell us he died and has not contacted us in any
way.
I
have recently begun to realize how much the emotion surrounding my
relationship, and lack of one with him has affected me my whole life. I am
starting to work toward healing and to show that little girl that I have hidden
so deep inside, that she is worthy of being loved and is valuable and amazing.
It’s hard, every day and takes so much work. I’ve spent a lifetime keeping her
quiet and she is just now learning to speak.
