Thursday, December 30, 2021

enough





I can’t sleep

my heart races wildly

ticking off the moments

to its pounding beats

I can’t catch my breath

I am sitting still

but feel as if I am moving

faster than my feet could ever go

I cry randomly and often

in front of groups of people

or as I now lie here

so utterly alone

I miss every beautiful moment

that I ever spent with you

in the comfort of your gaze

in the warmth of your arms

I am broken now

beaten, exhausted and holding on

by a single thread

that is tethered to nothing

I am fragile and afraid

because in this moment

I realize how truly alone

I am

 you love me

I love you

but now I remember you once said

love just isn’t enough

I argued the point

so foolishly I held to my belief

that love would light our way

love is simply a foundation

the commitment to build

that love into a lifetime

is where the beauty lies

the hard work, the blood,

the sweat, the tears

and the joy as you watch

your labor become your life

us against the world

you and me

but for us there is only you

and there is only me

your path and your dream

is an open road

for too long

you were tethered in place

I found myself wanting

to be here building

forming the structure

that would frame our life

I want connection and a home

and a love within those walls

I thought we shared that dream

but I realize now that my voice

was the one narrating this tale

and that in your silence

I never heard you

I should have listened

to what the silence said

but I always got so lost

in the way you looked at me

I got lost in the way you held my hand

and the way you touched me

as if you just couldn’t believe

that I was real

but I am real and we were real

I just don’t think that you ever truly believed

that we could have had a life

that would have lasted forever

 

Thursday, September 30, 2021

Wholly Loved


the moment you finally realize

that you deserve as much as you give

 

the patterns fall into shape

like puzzle pieces

forming connecting lines

above your head

I see tears and cuts and scrapes and scars

I see rivulets of blood

I see thousands of unanswered questions

nights lying awake in the dark

I see wishes wished, dreams dreamt

I see promises made in vain

I see the terror of being left alone

and the sacrifices made

I see a lonely little girl

who tells herself stories of fairy tales

and a woman who simply can’t understand

that dreams don’t always come true

I see a woman who crawled to the edge of her hell

and walked out on the other side

who can still so easily forget

what it is that keeps her alive

I see her blindly protecting

the heart of the little girl

the one that never stops wishing

to one day be wholly loved

today I remembered that half of nothing

leaves you nothing at all

and giving away the pieces of me

allows me to disappear

like a ghost I’ve hovered on the edges

of a story that may never be told

watching from the shadows

waiting to be written in

like a thief in the night I covet

what never belonged to me

with poison on my tongue

speaking other’s names

it’s better to live alone

than in the loneliness of a lie

I whisper the words to myself

that I deserve to be wholly loved

 

 

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Seedling


 

I watch her as she continues to become

she cries and bleeds and tears herself in two

she is trying to heal the wounds of her own pain

and trying to make amends for the things she has done

no one is born knowing all of the rules

strong and self-assured at every turn

each tiny seedling springs up from the dirt

simply trying to get closer to the sun

I have listened to every word that falls from her lips

I have wiped the tears that flow from her bright blue eyes

I have heard the whispers late into the night

and heard her beg for something to ease her pain

she has lived in a world filled with regret and shame

and martyred herself time and time again

yet still she gives and loves and tries

so hard sometimes it defines who she is

it is shockingly simple to see her

she has nothing left to hide

she wears her happy and sad

like the bright red heart on her sleeve

she is raw and overwhelmed

by the intensity of what she feels

she is child-like and ancient

all at the same time

there is one thing I believe

as I watch this beautiful girl

through this perilous journey

she will reveal the strength she holds

she is pure and she is honest

and she is fighting for her life

she is my hero

and I believe completely in her



 

 


 

Monday, December 21, 2020

When She Isn't With Me

 

when she isn’t with me

I feel unwhole

like a part of me has ceased

and it’s hard to breathe

when she isn’t with me

the aloneness takes shape

like something that has a pulse

all its own

when she isn’t with me

I miss her

three simple words

that define this feeling in me

when she isn’t with me

I feel empty

like this aching will never

ever again feel whole

when she isn’t with me

it’s darker

I spend my time

waiting for the sun to rise

when she isn’t with me

I feel the winter chill

and I shiver at the deepest core

of my soul

when she isn’t with me

I try to remember

every moment I have ever

shared with her

when she isn’t with me

I pray

that I will always treasure

the moments I have with her

 


Monday, November 16, 2020

Our Rainbow


 

she says it’s hard for her

that it’s just not who she is

she says she’s not romantic

but look at this girl of mine

I can hear her shifting and shuffling

up to some secret task

then she leads me down the staircase

to a rainbow in the dark

her face lit up in the glowing lights

and my heart skips a beat

this sweet angel of mine

the most beautiful thing I‘ve ever seen

I can see she’s pulled the rug up

off the kitchen floor

she starts the music and pulls me close

and we dance across the room

swaying slowly as one

and sprinkled between each kiss

she sings softly in my ear

of the treasure found in love

I feel the heat on her skin

and the gentleness of her touch

yet she holds me with a strength

so sure of her love for me

she is learning to trust in us

learning to believe in love

she is becoming fearless

in showing me her heart

standing in the light of her gaze

her affection drenching me

is like reaching the end of the rainbow

and finding the pot of gold

 

 


Saturday, June 13, 2020

Published!

Well, I've finally done it!

This is my first collection of poetry. It's been years in the making and now these pieces are all together in one place. It's such a strange feeling to see it, hold it in my hands. Amazing!!

It is available through Amazon if you are interested.




Wednesday, May 13, 2020

Home


the sweetest moments

are the simplest things

they require nothing more

than me and you, you and me

I sit beside you, holding you

your head against my chest

you tell me you can hear my heartbeat

that it could lull you to sleep

the softness of your skin

the tenderness in your eyes

the sound that surrounds your laughter

is music in my ears

time with you is healing

it rejuvenates my soul

I feel myself filling up

I begin to overflow

the feelings are wild and rampant

running up and down my chest

a heightened state of being

from simply being, with you

what we share defies explanation

though the words flow constantly over me

trust and love, reverence and respect

here everything is complete

we talk about love, we talk about life

we share happiness and pain

tears and laughter in the very same breath

this is the life we share

from one moment to the next

we don’t skip a single beat

connected through the thread

that has tied you to me

I lie back and pull you over

the full weight of your body on mine

we fit together seamlessly

this connection brought me to life

I am awed at the way you listen to me

the way you notice every detail

you say “I don’t think you’ve ever been loved

like this, by anyone before”

my Sweet Girl, the truth in that

has changed everything that I am

and every day I joyfully become

a better version of me

I don’t know where this road will take us

I don’t know who we will become

but I know that I get to walk beside you

and that this is our way home