enough

I can’t sleep

my heart races wildly

ticking off the moments

to its pounding beats

I can’t catch my breath

I am sitting still

but feel as if I am moving

faster than my feet could ever go

I cry randomly and often

in front of groups of people

or as I now lie here

so utterly alone

I miss every beautiful moment

that I ever spent with you

in the comfort of your gaze

in the warmth of your arms

I am broken now

beaten, exhausted and holding on

by a single thread

that is tethered to nothing

I am fragile and afraid

because in this moment

I realize how truly alone

I am

 you love me

I love you

but now I remember you once said

love just isn’t enough

I argued the point

so foolishly I held to my belief

that love would light our way

love is simply a foundation

the commitment to build

that love into a lifetime

is where the beauty lies

the hard work, the blood,

the sweat, the tears

and the joy as you watch

your labor become your life

us against the world

you and me

but for us there is only you

and there is only me

your path and your dream

is an open road

for too long

you were tethered in place

I found myself wanting

to be here building

forming the structure

that would frame our life

I want connection and a home

and a love within those walls

I thought we shared that dream

but I realize now that my voice

was the one narrating this tale

and that in your silence

I never heard you

I should have listened

to what the silence said

but I always got so lost

in the way you looked at me

I got lost in the way you held my hand

and the way you touched me

as if you just couldn’t believe

that I was real

but I am real and we were real

I just don’t think that you ever truly believed

that we could have had a life

that would have lasted forever

 

Wholly Loved

the moment you finally realize

that you deserve as much as you give

 

the patterns fall into shape

like puzzle pieces

forming connecting lines

above your head

I see tears and cuts and scrapes and scars

I see rivulets of blood

I see thousands of unanswered questions

nights lying awake in the dark

I see wishes wished, dreams dreamt

I see promises made in vain

I see the terror of being left alone

and the sacrifices made

I see a lonely little girl

who tells herself stories of fairy tales

and a woman who simply can’t understand

that dreams don’t always come true

I see a woman who crawled to the edge of her hell

and walked out on the other side

who can still so easily forget

what it is that keeps her alive

I see her blindly protecting

the heart of the little girl

the one that never stops wishing

to one day be wholly loved

today I remembered that half of nothing

leaves you nothing at all

and giving away the pieces of me

allows me to disappear

like a ghost I’ve hovered on the edges

of a story that may never be told

watching from the shadows

waiting to be written in

like a thief in the night I covet

what never belonged to me

with poison on my tongue

speaking other’s names

it’s better to live alone

than in the loneliness of a lie

I whisper the words to myself

that I deserve to be wholly loved

 

 

Seedling

 

I watch her as she continues to become

she cries and bleeds and tears herself in two

she is trying to heal the wounds of her own pain

and trying to make amends for the things she has done

no one is born knowing all of the rules

strong and self-assured at every turn

each tiny seedling springs up from the dirt

simply trying to get closer to the sun

I have listened to every word that falls from her lips

I have wiped the tears that flow from her bright blue eyes

I have heard the whispers late into the night

and heard her beg for something to ease her pain

she has lived in a world filled with regret and shame

and martyred herself time and time again

yet still she gives and loves and tries

so hard sometimes it defines who she is

it is shockingly simple to see her

she has nothing left to hide

she wears her happy and sad

like the bright red heart on her sleeve

she is raw and overwhelmed

by the intensity of what she feels

she is child-like and ancient

all at the same time

there is one thing I believe

as I watch this beautiful girl

through this perilous journey

she will reveal the strength she holds

she is pure and she is honest

and she is fighting for her life

she is my hero

and I believe completely in her