I Had It All

staring at myself in the mirror

hating everything I see

the sober face of shame and regret

the loss of all my dreams

I had it all, everything

and I’ve gone and pissed it away

for what, I can’t even tell you now

words just empty sounds

I feel like there are two of me

the one sitting here and that other one

they are strangers to each other

but stranger still, is me

feeling the complete loss of control

feeling pain I cannot describe

wishing I could simply turn back the clock

knowing all that I cannot change

this aloneness is killing and crumbling me

my skin feels like some sort of cloak

this thing that I have to carry around

to keep all the pain from spilling out

I thought I had this under control

that I was somehow better than this

but I sit in the palm of its outstretched hand

waiting for the fist to clench

I had it all, I had everything

just keeps playing over in my head

and then the shame starts spiraling

I can’t stand the sight of myself

I want to hide away in the dark

but the sun is coming up as I write

I am terrified of being seen

as my face tells all that I’ve done

I had it all, I had everything

I had love and I had trust

in one moment I threw it away

and now I am left with myself

she told me I was amazing

she told me I was strong

I don’t know how she saw in me

what I cannot find in myself

it hurts so badly I feel paralyzed

and so panicked I can’t sit still

I am spinning so savagely from within

and I have nowhere to go

all I want is to feel

some sort of internal peace

yet the silence never stops screaming at me

it’s the only thing I can hear

Them

For two nights in a row

I have seen you watching me

Standing in a darkened hall

a few short yards away

The first night it startled me

as I peered into the darkness

I raised my hand and reached out

but you simply disappeared

Last night as the band

fed energy into the room

The time came for the clock to strike

and the past to become a beginning

The bells tolled and the room filled

with hugs and the repeating of happy

Happy new, happy start,

as tomorrow became today

Amidst hugs and expressions of love

pairs became joined as one

Music guiding the unions

motion growing from the still

He reached out to ‘him’

in the grasp of her arms

She held ‘her’ close

in the warmth of him

There was a pause in time

and for a moment I felt you

I felt the life

I felt the breath you no longer breathe

The sound of the room funneled

through my ears and into me

A vacuum created

inhaling all that has slipped away

I remembered everything for a moment

I felt everything again

This one is ours, was whispered

let’s dance this one for them…

Rarely in life do we know, when we meet someone, the role they will play in our lives. Sometimes, there are brief moments, flashes, things that stay with you only for a time and sometimes we know souls for a lifetime. Last night I rang in the new year with old and new friends, some of whom have changed my life and some of whom I think will.

  This piece describes a moment shared between two people who are grieving the loss of their loves and in this moment, however brief, they were all there together. In that moment they could touch the past and fondly remember as the hope and possibility of the future came with the arrival of the new year. 

This was a moment that brought healing.  ~ ~ ~

Easing Pain

She awoke eyes swollen; head aching, having slept little to none. When she did fall off it was fitful and filled with visions that frightened her awake to the darkened shadows of her room. She called out but no answer came and she crawled back under the covers and tried again to disappear into some place where she did not feel this.

 

Finally after the sun rose, she got up and moved from the room that for the first time in a long time did not give her peace. She went downstairs where it was too bright for eyes that just could not see.

 

She made coffee and got her guitar. She sang to herself in the quiet morning, all of her favorite lullabies. The ones she sings when she is afraid, the ones she sings when she is alone. The ones she needs when she cries. She sang them all yet her voice shook, her fingers could not properly hold the strings and her rhythm was off. She was trying to tell herself a story. To listen hard enough so that she could understand what she felt. She always found her way in these songs. Today though, they sound flat and she is wildly off key.

 

Again, she moved from the room and slowly climbed the stairs. Back to her place of refuge and the soft, warmth of her bed. She sat staring for a long time at images flashing by her on the screen. They looked cloudy to her, almost as if covered by a curtain or a veil. She blinked over and over, but could not clear her vision.

 

Suddenly as if on cue, tears began to roll down her face. Slowly at first as if they were afraid to show themselves and then heavy and fast they began to flow. Sobs shook her body from its very core to the tips of her fingers. Her hands trembled, the pain leveled itself upon her and her head began to spin. She stayed this way for some time.

 

As the ache sat upon her, she soon needed to move again. She rose, took off her clothes and got into the shower. Kneeling on the floor, weeping, she has found herself here before. This time the invisible pain was becoming too much. Her head ran through image after image. Bottle turned upward, glint of light on a blade, blood as the first cut severs the skin. She began to breathe heavily, the panic overtaking her. Shaking she stood up and moved under the flowing water. It was soothing her but not enough. She reached for the faucet and turned it slowly to the left making the water hotter. Something began to tingle. She moved the faucet again and the heat stung her skin. The tingle increased. She pushed the faucet all the way over and the water began to scald her. Turning her skin a raw bright red and making her nearly scream.  Suddenly the spinning began to slow, the tears changed shape and her breath caught a different rhythm.  She stood against the burning stream pulsing over her skin and closed her eyes. The pain was suddenly tangible, something she could understand. She focused all of her attention to her skin as it began to become nearly unbearable but still she could not move away. Somehow it was soothing her, calming her. She realized her breathing had become almost normal and the tears were no longer rolling down her face. She also realized as the muscles inside of her convulsed, that her body had felt release. She wobbled a bit and was suddenly aware how hot the water was. She turned it back to a medium heat and sat on the floor letting it wash over her.

After a few moments she rose and turned off the shower, wrapped herself in a towel and crawled into her bed. Her pain was quiet now, she was exhausted and she needed to sleep. There would be time to think about this later. Right now, she was free.   

Careless Disregard

I’ve taken to starving my spirit

and my soul again.

taken to denying myself

a breath of life.

with a lack of giving

or any sort of understanding.

I’ve taken to placing all

of the blame on me.

I’m holding myself up against

some measure of reality.

that no one in real life

could ever live up to.

then tearing myself apart

for not meeting the bar.

that hurdle became a high jump

so long ago.

I hold grudges and make judgments

and place all levels of blame.

from where I hold court

in front of this mirrored glass.

reflections distorted

a twisted, wicked gaze.

the face that I see

is too much the way that I feel.

what is it that I expect

myself to do?

some trick, some masterful twist

some bending of light.

to change the way that I see

things from the outside looking in.

from the inside looking out

it’s a different sight.

from here I see things

with fear and disillusion.

not what I’m not

more what I think I can never be.

from the outside it is

what I should have become.

from the inside this self-doubt

is killing me.

blinding like a pain

that cannot be escaped.

raging like a war

that cannot be won.

I would never treat anyone

with such careless disregard.

why is it that this

is all that I give myself?

 

 

The Ritual

I can feel the edge of a blade

scratching hungrily against my skin.

Naked and tender

there is nothing to protect me tonight.

It feels like the darkness

folding in on me.

There is nothing to protect me

from the attack.

It’s not as if I surrendered

my innocence.

 Gave up my rough edges

and hardened ways.

It’s more like something is taking

over from within.

Telling me that worth

will now thus be defined.

Dragging across and leaving

a fresh and dripping trail.

Watching it pool into

puddles on my floor.

Tracing lines in the stains

that are left upon my skin.

Drawing pictures with the life

that is leaving me.

The bleeding has begun

slowly at first.

But intensity grows and deepens

as does this wound.

Tearing me open

ripping apart from the inside.

Leaving nothing imagined

nothing to be presumed.

All will be exposed

and now I’m begging.

For anyone to connect the lines

between the scars.

Make the cut if you dare

but I will warn you.

This is not for the timid,

the tender or weak of heart.