Rainbow Bouquet

I awoke with a shot

not sure where I was

music was playing softly

“imagine there’s no heaven”

the feeling of dread was heavy on my chest

my breath caught as I coughed

the room was brightly lit

and I had forgotten where I was

years have passed now

since this journey began

years since I have been so alone

walking down this road

there was a respite

a brief moment in time

where everything stopped

and I saw you

you caught my eye

like a bouquet of balloons

ready to launch

into the adventure of a lifetime

you blew gently and easily

as if nothing disrupted your flight

you drifted slowly and lazily

letting your colour dazzle my eyes

I was lost in the blur

caught in the midst of a rainbow

feeling the warmth

just before a rain

now the rain has stopped

the ground is dry and cracked

the air has grown too still

and the colour has faded to grey

*Written for the prompt today over at Imaginary Gardens with Real Toads 
https://withrealtoads.blogspot.com/2019/07/bits-of-inspiration-you-write-color.html?fbclid=IwAR3Ny-xo2bRUi2ieQjTCtLeNBE7PkowmJFo-8CAFjfiWztdtFvjlKcHAw50

Photo by Susie Clevenger

one year

it’s been a year

one year today

a year of commemorating events

so many firsts without you

holidays, anniversaries, birthdays,

both mine and yours

it’s been a year of longing

a year of grieving

a year of confusion

a year lonelier than I have ever been

it began with her passing,

her, who I never knew

from all of your stories

I felt as if I did,

as if we had been connected in some way

you sent me word of her

and I was overwhelmed

simply knowing what that loss

would have meant to you

I grieved for you

knowing how you would grieve for her

time passed slowly

as days became weeks

and then months

after she died

I never heard from you again

I don’t know what happened to you

where you went

and as many shades of grey

have become black and white

even who you were

real or not

you were real to me

you loved me and taught me

you brought to life parts of me

that I may otherwise

would never have known

most of all

I loved you

I loved you completely

and with total abandon

I held nothing back

and in the context of what we shared

that was quite a feat

I don’t know how to mourn you now

how to mourn my broken heart

how to grieve something so intangible

I don’t know how to grieve us

so I will grieve her today

and remember her as you painted her

to me

Lost

I seem to want the darkness now

more than I ever did

it’s comforting in a way

that the light could never be

This solitary existence

has become refuge and prison

in a world I cannot understand

and do not feel a part of

I hurt all the time

in a place I cannot name

the place where I knew you

or who you wanted me to see

The truth is really

I didn’t know you at all

and I am torn between wanting to

and simply letting it all go

I let you lead me into it blindly

 because I wanted to believe

I wanted you to be real

even though somehow I knew

I pass time now in memories

that only exist of moments

nothing connecting one to the next

or me to you

You are gone without word

only the gaping silence

no answer, no reply

only word after word not returned

I am wrapped up and torn

from the desire to understand

you had to have intended

something more than this

The fact that that may not be true

is simply too much

that maybe I was simply

a place to pass the time

I do and don’t want to know

both with the same fierce need

I do and don’t

and am wavering in between

I spend too much time alone

but it’s the only place

I can’t breathe too well lately

and here I don’t have to explain

My thoughts run wildly

from the past back into now

and I spend too much time

looking back

The loneliness in me is rampant

yet looking in from out there

I doubt that anyone can see

how lost I truly am

Today

Today

it would be far too easy

to crawl into a darkened corner

and drown at the bottom of a bottle

Today

it would be simple

to slip into the abyss

and mourn

Today

there are so many reasons

to curse the sunlight

and fall away

But Today was the day

you were born

Today

you are no longer

here in this place

But Today

in no way

are you gone

You linger in the quiet places

in the laughter and in dreams

And You are the reason

I am here

So Today

is a day

we will celebrate

Today

is a day

we will smile

Today

 is a day

that the memories

will remind us to open our wings

Today

is a day

for letting you

be alive with us again

~for my muse~

stories of the story

With her strange little sing song way

of wrapping her voice around words

She told me that I should have hope

and I tried to push her away

She found this somehow endearing

some sort of challenge for her to take on

And for four years and some odd few months

she never left me alone

She said she always knew

that she was fated to come to me

I only knew that I loved her

with a force I had never known

It was such an adventure, our time

limitations forcing us to dig

To reach into ourselves, our thoughts, our minds

to create a world where we could live

We set stages and painted backdrops

we wrote soundtracks and themes

I sang to her and she played for me

and the words flowed in reams

The poetry that she pulled from me

measures only the depth of the soul

That together we came to trust

and fearlessly learned to grow

~

She is gone now

and I feel the death that took her

It watches me from the shadows

from the dark corners of the room

I hear its laughter late into the night

the time, when she would come to me

I hear its snicker, its giggle of delight

because now it has her

It tempts and taunts me to join them

to creep into those corners

It leaves me crumbs of memories

and the echo of the sound of her voice

In the beginning, she fought

fiercely, she clung to life

She created in both our minds

a world where she wanted to live

But with the ticking hands of time

the Amazon grew weary

Her stamina and steam

becoming a slow, and gentle burn

She came to me less often

in the wee small hours of night

Where she once upon a time

kept me sleepless for days on end

She was quieter then

as the dusk settled in

No longer demanding

that her hunger be fed

That sing song voice once so musical

lost its lilt in the effort for breath

She became fragile and weary yet still

she comforted me until the end

She left me in quiet silence

I don’t know the exact day or time

The last words she wrote to me

still sick, getting better, trying…

for my muse

Words Seldom Used...............N

and this the letter N:

Natant:  swimming or floating. 

Nepenthe:  a drink having the power to bring forgetfulness of sorrow or trouble.  Anything inducing a pleasurable sensation of forgetfulness. 

Nival:  of, belonging to snow. 

Novia:  fiancé or bride. 

Nuque:  the back of the neck. 

Nyx:  an ancient Greek goddess personifying night.

N

Lips drag slowly

tracing along the nuque

the taste of her

a nepenthe elixir.

Swallowing in deep breaths

inhaling her into me 

my mind reels

as a simple peace takes hold.

In natant wonder drifting 

mind in soft release

her power leaving

the rest of the world at bay.

She is mystery, my novia

nothing else compares

as original as a snowflake

in a nival breeze.

Upon me she falls

as night surrounds us both

the goddess Nyx

powerless next to her.

Elegant and wondrous

this creature, this woman, my dream

nyctalgia even fades

at the sound of her name. 

7.18.14

*this photo is not mine, no copyright infringement intended*

Words Seldom Used.........A

and this, the letter A:

Adient:  tending to move toward a stimulus. 

Adroit:  skilled use of hands or body. 

Adue:  together, in unison. 

Affet tuoso:  with an affection and tenderness (music)/ a composition or movement of gentle, tender character. 

Afficance:  to pledge by promise of marriage.

A

her voice a symphony

an affett tuoso

like heather in the wind

or velvet against my skin

her words slide sensuously

into my ears

and tickle the very essence

of my soul

adroit fingers sliding

down my spine

raising the skin

in textured ecstasy

pulling me along

with the force of her will

adiently drawn

deep into her

this woman, this treasure

this creature I cannot explain

owns my heart and now

we move adue

bound together

held within this promise

in affiance our voices sing

~ I do ~

7.10.14

*the photo is not mine, no copyright infringement intended*