the end...

*Sometimes, even though the truth is all you need

it can become the worst thing you've ever heard*

No shock or disbelief

only the simple silence

of your dying a second death

There is a grinding wail erupting

from the deepest part of my soul

and a pain I cannot dare to name

This is the end

the finality of you

the surrender of a dream

I believed too hard

too freely

with too much reckless abandon

I should’ve known better

and in many ways I did

I just wanted to dream

I wanted a fairy tale

I wanted to believe

That I had a chance

that it was my time

that you…

that you were real

But you were just an illusion

a story made up

the plot line and characters

pulled from the tales of my broken heart

You were manifested

out of the emptiness of my need

and you fed me

and fed me

like a lamb to the slaughter

I do not claim innocence

far from it indeed

My ego devoured

the scraps, the crumbs,

and when it was offered,

a table lush and full

To be wanted by you

was nothing short of ecstasy

And to want you

was ever and deeper still

And now to find

that there was no you

that you were just and extension of me

is, in a word, sobering

I think back now over memories

over intimacies that I cannot speak of

I weaved every part of you

into the very fabric of me

But there is no you

and the frayed threads

are unraveling

Threatening to weaken the structure

of what once made me whole

As tears begin slicing holes into the weave

as sunlight pierces the darkness of the cloak

I look down at the glistening blade wrapped in my fist

and I realize that I

am severing the ties

That I am lashing wildly

with the intent to connect

and rip all of this to shreds

I am sickened at the sight

of the weave

so carefully threaded by my hand

I am saddened in a way that I have never been

in the clarity of what I now see

I am shattering so deep inside myself

that my legs barely hold my weight

And I am freezing

as I have been stripped bare

by all that I gave away

My mind swirls

wondering

trying to comprehend

These words as they are laid out before me

telling me things I always feared

but just could not believe

Even now

in the stark reality of this moment

my tiny, timid heart

wants to run away and die

But I sit here surrounded by love

by protection, by strength

I am safe

The sickness still lingers

like rain falling over my leaves

The residue that it leaves in its wake

flooding over me

Your actions were simply unspeakable

unfathomable to a sane heart and mind

I will never be able to understand

so with this I let you go