Blur

it is somewhere deeper than the eye can see

somewhere beyond the place

where the soul knows how to speak

somewhere within the realm of existence

but far beyond the scope of understanding

it is here where the manifestations begin

here where the body begins to scream

where pain so deep that it cannot be touched

 begins to make itself felt

~

I wonder about the ability to heal

about the possibility of a soul

repairing and regenerating

I wonder about death and rebirth

and I wonder about coming back to life

~

I have lived this pain before

this deeply physical expression of dying

from the inside

a pain that begins at the base of my spine

wrapping itself around my hips

running down my outer thighs

and then beginning to squeeze

holding the center of my being

in a vice-like grip

that will not loosen its hold

I feel it as a slow ache

a nuisance really

all throughout the day

as I begin to limp

to offset the inability of my legs

to react to the demands placed on them

I move slower and with more precision

as I learn to navigate

within the limitations of pain

~

at night

late into the darkest hours

the thing takes on a life its own

I twist and turn as I begin to feel

I seek out a place of quiet

of comfort

but the invasion has begun

I feel it come in layers

discomfort causing a shift

the infusion of this metamorphosis

takes its shape in my dreams

~

I try to move

to run

reach for any forward motion

I become slower

inching my way

across the surface of the earth

and literally begin to move backward

I lower myself to my knees

dig my fingers into the ground

and pull until my body moves

I run on all fours

with speed

grace

and a defined agility

but I can only go so far

~

again I slow

at the demand of the pain

the reins held tightly in its grasp

~

my body shifts and shuffles again

turning over and over in my bed

the dreams become more vivid

I can see myself lying on the ground

crying out in pain

until I scream so loud

that I awaken

~

with tears streaming down my face

body wrenched and wrapped

in the grip of this thing

I have to rise to make it stop

~

I drag my weakened limbs

slowly across the floor

back and forth

at a slow and intentional pace

until the grip releases its hold

until I can move without a limp

until I can stop holding my breath

~

this pain has come and gone

many times in my life

tearing me from sleep and dreams

weakening my core

it saps

and drains

and bleeds me

until I am left a hollow shell

~

I wonder about the existence of this pain

as it wholly encompasses my being

I wonder at the power

that is possesses to take my soul

I wonder at its ability

to be fully present in one moment

I wonder how it can disappear

in the next

I wonder what parallel

is carried within the connections

of this pain

it seems to have a name

it surely has a face

it is a being wholly and unto itself

~

and then I wonder again

about the pain I cannot express

about a nameless

faceless creature

that lurks in the depths of me

an entity that is completely alive

yet slowly killing me

I wonder about the ability

the possibility

the chance

~

I wonder if this physical pain

has come to speak for my heart

…..