through this day

reaching deep into this quiet

as the day around me screams

listening hard for the sound of you

the breath, the beating heart

feeling distance stretching

long and much too far

the need, the want, the ache

overwhelming me

I know that you are with me

connected through woven webs

yet today I feel trapped

dangling by a thread

I can hear your voice inside me

that musical sing song sound

curling up the side of my neck

calming unsettled nerves

I can feel your touch in my memory

the hard and soft of you

you have carved your name upon me

your absence today I feel

my hands are empty and fumbling

my footsteps waver and quake

unsteady and unbalanced

I am not myself today

close my eyes, deeply breathe

find my way back into you

my body moves with grace and ease

as we become one again

Lovesick Musings

I feel it like blood

coursing through my veins

Filling me

and bringing me back to life

I feel it like a thing

that I cannot explain

Yet it leaves words

dangling from my tongue

I feel it like breath

as it fills my lungs

Steadily in

and slowly out

I feel it, I feel it

and isn’t that the thing

I feel it

my God, I feel!

 

It seems that I have loved her forever

though time plays tricks on the mind

I vaguely remember a time before

when emptiness filled this room

She is ever present within me

whether here or miles away

My voice breaks the silence

she hears what I don’t say

The simplicity of all of this

complicates things even more

But still I find solace

surrender, and let myself fall

 

She makes me ache

in the sweetest way

And conversely

makes me sting

Awakening

a long dead soul

We are both

alive again

 

In the soft quiet hours

when she comes

She is ‘becoming’

just like me

No one has ever

seen this, she says

But for me

she reveals everything

Drunk On Me

gasping breath and exhale

she moans with wanton lust

pulling me aurally

with her along this trail

her voice is like a finger

stretched and curling, calling me

reaching deep inside

as my own fingers trace the path

who is it, deep within you?

tell me who you feel

only you...only you

and then she lets go

both of us deeply rapt

and writhing together as one

as the waves crash upon us

and leave us dripping wet

the moan, the gasp, the squeal, the sigh

over and over again

then slowly panting breath

slows its heaving pace

soft words exchanged

lips tangled as one

smiles and silly words

as heads continue to spin

her speech begins to slur

syllables hard to discern

in the wake of consuming me

she sounds as if she’s drunk

tossing back another

her lips becoming numb

her voice takes on a velvet tone

and she wraps me in her words

soft and warm and floating

her tongue now tickling me

with a dizzying lilt and inflection

she is drunk on me

 

 

~for my muse~

it was me

all day yesterday

all that I saw

every time I turned my head

was shadows

moving quickly

at the corners of my eyes

momentarily caught

then gone

at first, I thought it nothing

a simple trick of the light

then as the day wore on

I heard the whispers begin

but then the light changed

that came into my room

and her voice in its musical lilt

filled me full from within

I didn’t tell her  

about the shadow people

about the whispers that rolled

down the back of my neck

I didn’t tell her

I felt a haunting chill

she had chased

the miserable whispers away

she came again that day

with stories and imagination

she challenged me to think

in a way I hadn’t done

we played

like costumed characters at a ball

she took from me innocence

as if it were the very first time

she told me stories of creatures

hiding in the night

on the fringes of her forest

but that she would always keep me safe

still those headless images

kept floating in my stairwell

like the ones I saw as a child

all those years ago

I curled myself into her arms

and left my mark on her

as I chose to choose her forever

and never leave her side

she sent me off to sleep

in the blissful state of dreams

as she had left me spent

completely at her hand

sometime later

I heard her come into my room

banging a gong loudly

announcing her return

I woke strangely and scattered

rattled, unable to think

and everything started to spin

and those heads showed up again

the magician, and his lady

and the rabbit pulled from a hat

have been playing their devilish tricks

since before I knew what they were

the moments passed quickly

and the room began to spin

and I lost my train of thought

replaced by something else

rage came in some thought exposed

and I thought I understood

what I had misinterpreted

for so many years, so long

suddenly a crack

as I heard the door click

she was gone and in silence

those fucking heads danced

I scrambled to grab hold

of the thoughts that spun from me

but there is nothing left in my hand

but that damn magician’s wand

for so many years they haunted

and kept me awake in the night

and I let them leave me terrified

not knowing, they, were me

 

 

Surviving Moments

the attack

internal and self-induced

blame placed

directed harmful intent

inward eye

staring hard into corners

vision blurred

the target just too close

distorted ears

the hum now a chainsaw

shaking voice

as the tremors begin again

words choke

the flow of air in the throat

pulse quick

a heart beating far too fast

cycle started

the brain is caught in motion

spinning wildly

balance intangible now

single minded

this is how it begins

sole purpose

to simply make it end

 

STOP!!

 

breathe slowly

into and out of the lungs

listen hard

beyond the only thing you can hear

look deep

sit with the mirror in hand

don’t run

even though you can’t sit still

pivotal moments

tick with the pace of forever

choices made

will result in the tone of your life

inhale long

slow breaths all the way down

exhale all

of the pain you are clinging to

let go

whatever it is, it shall pass

lie down

and let the calm fall upon you

 

Easing Pain

She awoke eyes swollen; head aching, having slept little to none. When she did fall off it was fitful and filled with visions that frightened her awake to the darkened shadows of her room. She called out but no answer came and she crawled back under the covers and tried again to disappear into some place where she did not feel this.

 

Finally after the sun rose, she got up and moved from the room that for the first time in a long time did not give her peace. She went downstairs where it was too bright for eyes that just could not see.

 

She made coffee and got her guitar. She sang to herself in the quiet morning, all of her favorite lullabies. The ones she sings when she is afraid, the ones she sings when she is alone. The ones she needs when she cries. She sang them all yet her voice shook, her fingers could not properly hold the strings and her rhythm was off. She was trying to tell herself a story. To listen hard enough so that she could understand what she felt. She always found her way in these songs. Today though, they sound flat and she is wildly off key.

 

Again, she moved from the room and slowly climbed the stairs. Back to her place of refuge and the soft, warmth of her bed. She sat staring for a long time at images flashing by her on the screen. They looked cloudy to her, almost as if covered by a curtain or a veil. She blinked over and over, but could not clear her vision.

 

Suddenly as if on cue, tears began to roll down her face. Slowly at first as if they were afraid to show themselves and then heavy and fast they began to flow. Sobs shook her body from its very core to the tips of her fingers. Her hands trembled, the pain leveled itself upon her and her head began to spin. She stayed this way for some time.

 

As the ache sat upon her, she soon needed to move again. She rose, took off her clothes and got into the shower. Kneeling on the floor, weeping, she has found herself here before. This time the invisible pain was becoming too much. Her head ran through image after image. Bottle turned upward, glint of light on a blade, blood as the first cut severs the skin. She began to breathe heavily, the panic overtaking her. Shaking she stood up and moved under the flowing water. It was soothing her but not enough. She reached for the faucet and turned it slowly to the left making the water hotter. Something began to tingle. She moved the faucet again and the heat stung her skin. The tingle increased. She pushed the faucet all the way over and the water began to scald her. Turning her skin a raw bright red and making her nearly scream.  Suddenly the spinning began to slow, the tears changed shape and her breath caught a different rhythm.  She stood against the burning stream pulsing over her skin and closed her eyes. The pain was suddenly tangible, something she could understand. She focused all of her attention to her skin as it began to become nearly unbearable but still she could not move away. Somehow it was soothing her, calming her. She realized her breathing had become almost normal and the tears were no longer rolling down her face. She also realized as the muscles inside of her convulsed, that her body had felt release. She wobbled a bit and was suddenly aware how hot the water was. She turned it back to a medium heat and sat on the floor letting it wash over her.

After a few moments she rose and turned off the shower, wrapped herself in a towel and crawled into her bed. Her pain was quiet now, she was exhausted and she needed to sleep. There would be time to think about this later. Right now, she was free.   

Open

Inspired by the poetry of my muse~
                                                      thank you for the editing help~

The shift has become her

and she, powerless

has decided to ponder surrender.

 

Beneath veiled eye

of a shadowed moon.

Two bodies interlaced

into dawn’s breaking rays.

 

Time spent binding souls

broken pieces of lives.

That simply drained

and could never be filled.

Footsteps now soft

bare feet and naked skin.

Adorned with nothing

but the scent of lust.

 

Want cradles desire

yet to be named.

Fascination and wonder

fiercely alive again.

 

Blush upon cheeks

musky scents.

Sweat upon skin

this is the texture of joy.

 

She wants to scream

but cannot.

Will not

and still she is at peace.

 

She knows…

none of this can she hide

 

from her lover’s eyes…