trying to become

when the challenge is

not to become

a thing again

fighting within the walls

of a carefully guarded self

trapped within the battle lines

of a war won and lost

this road seems familiar

I’ve walked its rutted trail

my feet they know the path

as if by name

but distance seems to flex

like the hands of a clock spin

and the future stretches out

beyond the scope of my sight

seeing signs along the road

places to pause and rest

forks that will change that path

and lead me astray

those are the paths I know

the ones I’ve walked before

but focus and centered sight

must light my way

darkness falls and skies of grey

the rainclouds and thunderous boom

I’m quite sure no one has melted

in the falling rain

so onward and forward

one foot, then the next

passing roadblocks and signposts

the scenery will change

a poet's death

there is currently no poetry in my world

 empty pages beckons to me to speak

there is no time for me within my day

to stop, to breathe, to dream, to exhale

a lone soul, I came into this place

where beauty is vast and breathtaking

but life and its demands have nailed me

to the cross like some martyr to commerce

I have entered this land of strangers

where not an ounce of trust exists

and am not in a place

where I can protect myself

hyper aware, constantly in defense

of things that should not be taking up my time

no place to let down the upheld guard

no space to exhale my own need

last night I dreamt that my poet tattoo

simply rubbed off the surface of my skin

that is wasn’t truly etched into me

as the definition of who I know I am

the message is strong as I wake today

and am slammed back to reality’s bite

so in defiance I sit typing these words

when I know I ‘should’ be doing something else

I cannot let this environment

take over the content of my soul

I have to quiet the external screams

so that my voice

has room to be heard

she is quiet and timid until sure of herself

and I cultivate her growth

but if I let this world take the core of me

then she will die as well~

 

 

 

 

 

Excerpts 5

Excerpts are poems that I write directly from dreams, If I can remember them clearly enough to write them, I think there is a significant message in them for me. Usually, it's in the dialogue and generally very few words. This one was pretty clear to me.

I find my place in line

behind a woman and her two sons.

The throng of people stretched out before me

in a row defined by two red metal bars.

The tension in the air is palpable

anxiousness, excitement grows.

For some, it’s fear and hesitation

and distractions are needed for them.

The line moves slowly forward

we take only a few steps at a time.

Drawing imminently nearer

to the gate and that 48” sign.

The boys in front of me are arguing

pushing each other back and forth.

The taller one telling the smaller one

you’re not big enough for this!

You can see the trepidation

the dismay on his face.

The mother hushes the two of them again

and tells them to stand up straight.

As we move forward again I just listen

caught up in the many ways people pass the time.

Telling stories, laughing, joking

some just staring into space.

The nervous ones you can pick out of the crowd

they usually look a bit sick.

Or they’re having arguments or tense conversation

with the person standing next to them.

I, again, am just waiting

here in my place in this line.

Another step forward and the moment nears

the anticipation builds.

Soon we are at the platform

and the boys in front of me scream!

The taller one was right and the smaller one

will have to wait another year.

His mother takes his hand

and leads him down the stairs.

The other boy jumps into the front seat

and I step in next to him.

The safety latch is lowered

low and snug across our laps.

I wrap my hands around it

ready to hold on tight.

The boy looks over at me

at my hands clutched around that bar.

He says, “No, you have to raise your arms,

like this, up in the air!”

I’m not sure about this as the car begins to move

and we start the climb up the first hill.

Click, click, click, click

as the climb seems to have slowed time.

I feel the fear rising and my stomach

rises up into my chest.

A few more clicks and we’ll be at the top

ready to descend.

As we reach the top the car stops

and begins to teeter back and forth.

Then with a slight tip forward it feels

as if the ground has fallen away.

The feeling of being weightless

of falling freely through the air.

Fills me with a feeling of terror

and I hold again to that rail.

The boy is screaming, hands in the air

and he looks over at me and says.

“Don’t be afraid, you won’t fall

just LET GO!”

As we fall at a breakneck speed

I take my hands off the rail.

With a noise I’ve never made before

I raise my hands in the air and scream.